all fixed

i wanted to be “all fixed.”

i wanted to be able to present myself baggage-free and say, “hey! there’s nothing wrong with me!”

that’s why i’ve been doing all i’ve been doing these past few years…committing to recovery programs, seeing a counselor, attending support groups, crying my eyes out, kicking and screaming myself to sleep, wallowing in self-pity and despair. i was doing it so one day i wouldn’t have to do it anymore.  in my mind, once i achieved that, maybe then i would get what i desired…

i was wrong.

i recently completed an intense, 6 month long program geared towards women recovering from sexual abuse. i had resisted starting it at first, and because i was so “advanced” in the recovery process, it was fairly easy to go through. i was ready to cast another check mark on my “road to recovery” and let this be it.

wrong again!

nothing cut me so deeply as the last section of the last unit.  i couldn’t even talk in group that night. anytime i tried, i’d cry.  i cried hard for most of the day leading up to the meeting, and for some time into the night…all over the subject of intimacy. sexual intimacy. not from anything i experienced, but the unknown…when i may have the opportunity to share myself with someone one day. this was an area i couldn’t reach, i couldn’t “deal with” on my own. i have to wait. wait until i  meet that poor shmuck who will have to face those demons with me come consummation time.

it was all so unfair. i’ve worked so hard to get where i am so i wouldn’t have to burden that guy some day with my problems. and here it all came crashing down on me…i can’t finish it alone. heck, will it ever be finished? i’ve heard time and time again that recovery is a lifetime process, but i wanted to be the exception. (i know, right?…prideful, much?)

so i gave up.

i’ve entered into a stage of indifference. no man will ever love me like God does, so why hope? why desire? why care? He’s all i need right now…and forever. so i’m probably more content in my singleness than i’ve ever been. whether my attitude is right or wrong, i really don’t know…or care at this point.




4 thoughts on “all fixed

  1. WOW! That was so not what I thought it was going to be. For those of us who are not in recovery but find themselves in the positions of having to start over intimacy is a very frightening thing as well. I think that you have conquered this stage more than you know. Being single and content in Christ is well on the road to recovery and the only way you can truly be Happy when Mr. right comes along. You see we always take for granted that each of us is destined to be married to a man, but until we are really content and happy in our singleness we all bring baggage to the relationship. You have discovered something that most married women are still trying to figure out. Lord why am I not happy and my mate loves me. Well, its because we don’t love ourselves and had not taken the time to be alone before we said I do. Now this isn’t everyone of course but my dear friend it sure is many of us. Thank you for your candor and for… well…. the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

  2. I believe Kathy has touched on a very important part of recovery. Take time to understand how far you’ve already traveled and be happy with yourself. Your willingness to write and post what is in your heart and mind shows that you’ve taken more steps toward healing than you are aware of. God walks with you as you take the right path. Compile and keep your posts for a future husband to read and understand the threads of fear, etc., that might seem like a wall to scale on his part. By understanding the depth of your feelings and willingness to reach for trust, he can better help the both of you work through it and envelope you in his love and protection.

  3. sometimes i wonder if i’ve tried and understand myself and my feelings too much. i’m exhausted, really. when once i filled pages and pages of journal entries, now i barely know what to say. i think i’m tired of myself.

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