there’s a part of me that is still very much like a child.
some nights i struggle with restlessness, and can only find comfort in a song…like a child listening to a lullaby.
it used to be more than restlessness that kept me awake at night. strangely enough, my bed was an escape, a retreat. even though bad things happened there, it was my place to cry, to scream into my pillow, to dream…i hated the prospect of waking up. i could hide there. the night provided the perfect cover, the perfect excuse to hide from the world and my problems. when morning came, i was forced to face another day. the reality of my life.
my heart had been hardened, but God knew me. even as i cursed Him, even as i turned on Him, even as i rejected His truth. but He never gave up, even though i thought i had. He spoke to me another way: music. artists’ transparency intrigued me. lyrics filled with hope and promise fed a desire deep within my heart. i resisted at first. it all seemed so unattainable, so hopeless.
God delivered me from the abuse in early june of 2009. as i look back on the weeks, days – and nights – leading up to it, i see His hand in every detail that moved me to finally trust Him. i was coming to a fork in the road, becoming more and more desperate. every night in that final week i cried myself to sleep listening to one particular song over and over.
i had a war waging within me. i saw myself in the words, but couldn’t believe the message of hope. as pretty as it sounded, it wasn’t enough. not with everything that had happened. not with who i had become.
and yet, i listened again and again…
…a better day to come.
one morning i woke up and just lay there, watching the minute hand tick away on my clock. seconds. minutes. hours. and still, no reason could come to me to get up…or even keep breathing. the weight on my chest got heavier as my thoughts turned dark.
my thoughts were interrupted suddenly with the desire to hear that song again, but it ended up that i listened to another. and through it, i was drawn to jeremiah 29:11-14. i read it, and for the first time, i believed it. it was like a light was suddenly placed within me. i can hardly explain what happened in my heart in those moments, but His word – His promise – gave me the reason i needed to live.
God used the music of a complete stranger to draw me to Him. to lead me to His truth and give me hope when i had none. i am eternally thankful for His methods. eternally thankful for the transparency of another, and their willingness to sacrifice so that they can share what God has given them. maybe that’s why i have a passion for music and love for His word. when those two things combine, the work is profound.