trying to figure it out

i love the uniqueness of all our journeys. i look at my own, and almost can’t believe all that’s changed these past few years. i’m one of “those people” who journals almost everyday (used to be every day and multiple entries, but now i’m less intense). i’ve never been so committed to something for so long and kept it up so faithfully.

i look back on entries every now and then. i am thankful for such an opportunity. i can go back to those little altars of notebook paper and see what i’ve been through. i have the opportunity to laugh at myself, mostly: cringing at all those ridiculous ideals i had, shaking my head at my emotional/super-spiritual monologues…still, it’s thanks to having them that i can witness the growth. i can look back on things i had forgotten and thank Him all over again for who He is and what He has done.

but i have such a long way to go. i keep getting bogged down by all these different ideas and ways of living and looking at the “Christian” life. i appreciate how it gets me re-looking at some things, but i have such a fear of being drawn into something that’s a lie. i grew up being told lies and falling into chains of thinking because it was easier than doing it for myself. i’m overly cautious now. probably too cautious, and maybe even a bit pious. there’s some messages i’m just tired of hearing. there’s some christian music i’m sick of listening to. there’s christian books that create a parade of bandwagons. denominations that are all about doing this and that, but their love has grown cold. sometimes i wish i could drive it all away and live on the simplicity of how He intended it. there’s too much noise, too many “movements.”

i try and be as simple as i can, but sometimes i have to catch myself from falling into something.  i’ve learned a lot of hard lessons, and its thanks to them that i’ve gotten a little better with how to discern things and not be so fleeting. but i know that what i know now isn’t a whole heck of a lot, and i’m always wondering if what i claim to  “know” is even right. my journal entries aren’t even what they used to be. i don’t seem to have a lot to say anymore.

every now and again you get hit with a little something that makes you question everything. something that brings you back to earth.

i suppose i should quit trying to figure everything out and just do.


what do you “know”?

it was three years ago today…

…i woke up with no desire to live anymore.

wild, huh?

it hit me only just yesterday. i’ve been carrying around an odd, heavy feeling in my heart these past few days, and i had no idea why until last night. i had burst into tears, my core aching as i strained for the words to pray. my tears did most of the talking, as is typical. i prayed for someone who has claimed a place in my heart these past three years. he has no idea, and i myself can’t understand why, but i called out his name to my Abba nonetheless. it all ties together in some way, i’m sure…

and it was as i started to write in my journal that i glanced back at the date and realized…

that it was three years ago, today. today.

some coincidence, huh? (no, i don’t believe in those, really.)

i was laying flat on my back on that saturday morning, staring at the clock, wondering what the point of getting up was. no one would care. no one would miss me. i would never escape the abuse, the control, the lies.  i hated what i had become. i had reached despair. i was without hope. i was done. everything within me started to implode.

but out of nowhere in my mind, i heard a voice singing a song, and it led me to His promise. and for the first time, i believed it. i truly believed it:

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. ‘I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.’” (jeremiah 29:11-14, nlt)

oh, how those words resonated within me. how they ignited spark that has never died away. Lord, thank You, thank You, for Your precious, precious word. how it has changed everything…

and thank You for him. thank You for the one You spoke through – and have continued to use – to draw me nearer to You. as long as You place him upon my heart, i will lift him up to You. even though i don’t understand why. i will obey.

(my, how things have changed.)


dear reader, thank you for returning to this altar with me.

now go to your altar and praise Him for the promises He has given you, for all the beautiful things He has done.

broken bread, poured out wine

“…love your neighbor as yourself.” (matthew 22:39)

i wasn’t even sure what that meant until very recently.

how have i “loved myself”?

i take care of my body: i eat when i’m hungry, i sleep when i’m tired, i maintain good hygiene, i try to be healthy and active. i also spoil myself a bit, give in to a want or desire here and there; and balancing that out with self-restraint and discipline. i set up personal boundaries, and nurture and value healthy relationships. i enjoy each and every moment for the gift that it is.

when it came to recovery, i’ve sought help. i’ve been to counseling. i’ve joined programs and connected with mentors. i’ve cried. a lot. i’ve learned how to pick myself up when everything within me would rather curl up and hide.

so, i’m left asking myself: how can i love others as i’ve “loved myself”?

i’m in a very interesting position right now. i look forward to what’s to come, to the opportunities that are ahead, to all that i can see and all i can’t see. i even look forward to the disruptions. and even though i’m feeling very inadequate…it’s ok. it’ll take time, and patience (coupled with trial) and trust in Him. i’ve been fretting about how to “define” my position and what i do, but really, my identity is in Christ…and that’s no matter what i’m doing.

so i have a chance to love others in a way that will require sacrifice. that will require vulnerability. that will mean taking risks. that will mean giving and giving and giving and receiving near nothing in return. it means loving as Christ loved us. breaking His body, pouring out His blood. giving His life for us. taking the life He has given me and letting Him laying it all out there for the sake of one who needs healing.

i’ve been burnt out. i’ve been told i need to move on, that i’ve done enough. but i can’t justify that…not in the face of Christ. in the face of Love.


how can you “love your neighbor as yourself”?