i was a tremendous liar back in the day.
no conviction. no hesitancy. it was just second nature to me.
i did it to avoid criticism. i did it to avoid extra work. i did it for fear of what others would think. i was perpetual, and i was goood.
things are different now. now, i just can’t. the conviction i get weighs so heavily on me that i’m afraid to do it. but there are moments every day when i find myself hesitating. when the thought actually crosses my mind. often they are inconsequential, petty little things. things where it would be just stupid and ridiculous to lie. and no one apart from me or God would know…
and that’s exactly it: HE would know.
i put a lot of emphasis on love, and i’ve explained why i do as it relates to my life…but truth is another one. God is love and God is truth.
back then it didn’t matter. part of it was survival. lying was the example i had, so a liar was what i became. and i take full responsibility for it. i mastered the art of “playing dumb”…that was my greatest trick. and because i was such a people-pleaser, i told people what they wanted to hear – whether it was true or not (usually not). i have that “innocent” sort of demeanor, and i played off it. i was a twisted, ugly little deceiver…and no one knew. as i look back, i almost can’t believe it myself.
i was able to justify it then, but when everything reached a climax, what it all came down to was either adding to the lies or telling the truth. i chose truth. i was tired of the lies. i was tired of the hypocrisy. and it was only then that i experienced freedom and change. (go figure?)
one of my greater life lessons has come as i’ve fumbled my way through recovery. the clearer my head became, the more i saw the deceit of my abuser and its effect on me. i was almost overwhelmed by it. and my family helped to open my eyes to even more that i didn’t know. what i came to realize was that i couldn’t focus on the lies, the counterfeit…there was just too much. my focus needed to be on the pure and simple truth. THE truth. truth never changes. no matter what anyone says or thinks, if you have the truth on your side, it is all you need.
always tell the truth.