“how did you forgive them?”

i had no idea how to answer that question when it was asked to me recently. it’s funny how i’ve become so immersed in the process of healing and recovering and obeying God that  i assume what i’ve learned is elementary to everyone.

hearing that question stopped me in my tracks. it brought me back. back to nights when i wrote words like this:

trying to wash it all the way with all these tears/but the shame inside just won’t disappear

i lie awake here tonight/fighting back the shadows of a past i would sooner forget

hold me, Jesus, hold me close tonight

because come daylight, all this hurt inside will have no place to hide

i had to inventory all those painful, shameful memories of the abuse. and for some reason, the memories were easiest to recollect in the night. in the dark, where they were always hiding.

it was hard having to do this, but i was equipped with the knowledge that i wasn’t doing it alone. that i needed to pull it out of hiding (with Christ holding me) and bring it to the light of day so we could watch it dissolve.

and with each painful memory came the command to forgive. i can’t answer the “how”… i just did. i did because He told me to. beyond all that, i couldn’t and wouldn’t have done it. it was in His hands now. and as i look back, i understand. i see how it freed me, and the bigger picture of Who He is.

for every time the memories won’t go away/for every time I want to curl up and hide

for when I think the hurt is here to stay/Lord, give me the strength to forgive again

when both my cheeks are sore

when i don’t think i can turn my head anymore

give me the strength, Lord…


to forgive/to forgive once again

i’m broken and crushed/oh God, the pain is too much

but to give is to receive/again and again, let forgiveness be expected of me


for every time the lash fell on His back/for every time they lifted their hands

even as He prayed for His cup to pass/Jesus had the strength to forgive once again

when He hung there, broken and torn/when the sins of the world made it too hard to breathe anymore

He had the strength to hang on just a little more


He forgives/He forgives again and again

Christ was broken and crushed/oh God, my pain’s not enough

You gave so i could receive/again and again, let forgiveness be expected of me

there is freedom in forgiveness. whether the one who has hurt us accepts it or not doesn’t really matter. forgiveness releases us from the bondage of bitterness and resentment and allows us the chance to heal. how they choose to respond is their own affair. my abusers chose to deny everything, and that’s fine with me. i don’t hate them, i don’t wish evil upon them. i simply determined nothing will come between me and my relationship with Christ.

“Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”(Colossians 3:13)

Christ is our ultimate example in this.


who do you need to forgive?


one thing i can appreciate is the ability to look back at all the  jumbles of words i’ve put on a page…each entry or lyric is a snapshot of who i was. something i can measure against who i’ve become.  it is a wonder how much my life has changed…and how quickly it has done so.

but i don’t write so often anymore.

just here.

it’s happened as i’ve found myself feeling so disconnected from things. i’m not sure where this rift has come from, or why. things i once loved and were so passionate about have become little or no consequence to me. relationships that i once so cherished and desired have become distant. it bothers me that it doesn’t really bother me. i have no motivation to change the direction in which things are going. i keep myself busy so that i don’t have time to sit here and think about all this.

maybe i’m growing. maybe i’m resisting. maybe i’m just reading too much into things. i don’t know.


is it something i’ve lost? or just something i’m missing?

the music’s gone

i wonder why i can’t stand christian music anymore?

maybe i abused it too much. very little of it even inspires me.  some of it brings up things i’d much rather let go of. but really, it all just sounds the same. i feel like my local ccm station cycles the same 15 songs every hour. it’s all the same kind of song:  difficulty or doubt in a person’s life. it gets depressing. we all like to relate, but we have to be careful to not be driven so much by emotion. focus on Him and not ourselves.

my keyboard sits in the corner of my room covered in clothing. my binder, containing pages and pages of lyrics, is collecting dust under my bed. maybe i just grew up. maybe i just gave up. why did i have such a passion for it? what happened? it’s almost like i’m trying to hold onto it in a way by alluding to it’s impact on my life every now and then, but that seems to be the only connection i have with it now.  when once a path seemed so clear, it now feels totally abandoned.

i may resort to sharing my lyrics with you. they’re chapters of my life that i’ve moved on from, songs that i wouldn’t want repeated over and over again. but they are apart of my story, and maybe i should bring them to life in some way. maybe the desire will return, maybe it won’t…but at least i won’t feel like i’m keeping a secret. or that i’ve wasted my time.

so be forewarned. for the sake of content, i’ll be sharing glorified poetry with you in the very near future.