i want to dedicate this post to the buzz kills: those precious souls who enter the fray to remind us how miserable and dark this world is in the midst of a moment of a light-hearted reprise.
i salute you.
thank you for taking us by our feet and yanking us back to the ground. revel in your moment of self-righteous smugness as you lower upon us the dark cloud of reality. gloat as you lay the guilt on thick, displaying before us the suffering and brokenness of others, the lowliness and despair of existence. oh, how dare we! where would we be without you? just a bunch of ignorant, insensitive heathens laughing at the expense of others…totally forgetting that this world is full of heartache and injustice and pain. thanks. thanks for reminding us. i almost forgot.
let me never be that prude.
i don’t know.
really, the truth is that i’ve run out of them. i’ve confined myself in yet another box because i am convinced that i don’t need them any more. that seeking Him and knowing Him and obeying Him is everything i need to desire.
i admit, it was all the result of disappointment, or just experiencing too many doors shutting in my face. i feel like i should be happy with what i have, that i should be content to just be alive. and i am. every moment is a precious gift, and in each day i am learning and growing and loving. i’m in such a wonderful chapter of my life filled with opportunity and the day to day chance to hear the stories of others who are being restored from brokenness. i couldn’t ask for better.
so i don’t. i don’t ask for blessings. i don’t ask for anything. not for myself, anyway.
maybe i don’t trust Him. maybe i don’t trust myself. i have little to no expectation anymore. i’m afraid. even though i see the potential for wonderful things to happen – even now – i suffer from a deadness within me. i’ve numbed myself to it so i don’t experience disappointment or hurt.
i just want to feel alive again. for all that i’ve felt that i’ve grown in, i think i’ve lost that child in me that knew how to dream. that didn’t care whether it was ok to or not, that begged and pleaded and fought for what she wanted. i have forgotten the affirmations and warped them into just mere coincidences or projections.
God, what’s happened to me? i can never seem to stop myself from creating another form of bondage once i’ve been freed from another.
i’ve recently learned that there’s this ideology that once you join a denomination, you’re supposed to be committed to them forever.
call me uncommitted or disloyal or whatever, but i can’t help myself. there’s a much broader perspective that i want to take. the body of Christ is universal. while we share different characteristics when it comes to culture and race, at our hearts we are children of God. i am committed to God, not a denomination. i want to love His people everywhere, for all their differences. we are a family.
many a time have i come to question things i once thought were “christian” (and this more lately than ever): things that were taught to me, passed from person to person because no one thought to actually read the Bible for what it says, rather than for what we want it to say. tradition has too easily trumped truth. all those cheap, “christian” cliches are so much easier to accept than the actual truth of God’s word. i am trying so hard to break myself from it. the lies of spiritual abuses have a way of tangling themselves within the roots of everything i am. when i yank them out, i feel like i’m tearing away a part of myself. they are so hard to identify sometimes.
i will never agree with every doctrine or interpretation of any denomination, but i’m having to train myself into not letting that separate me from other children of God. still, at the same time, i feel so distant from so many who call themselves Christians. i have a hard time understanding why they can’t think for themselves. how they so easily fall into fads and are so bigoted and argumentative. too often do i have to bite my tongue and look at myself before i criticize.
who am i to judge? i will never know it all. i will never be always right. but i will never stop growing, i will never stop seeking. what i think is right today, may end up being wrong tomorrow. and that’s ok! it’s ok to be wrong about spiritual things. what i’ve learned is that i must be open to the changes God wants to make in me, even as it conflicts with my so-called identity.
i don’t know what i hope to take away from my little experiment, but i wondered at why i felt a bit of freedom and refreshment when i decided to take a step out of the box…
seek for yourself.