i don’t know.
really, the truth is that i’ve run out of them. i’ve confined myself in yet another box because i am convinced that i don’t need them any more. that seeking Him and knowing Him and obeying Him is everything i need to desire.
i admit, it was all the result of disappointment, or just experiencing too many doors shutting in my face. i feel like i should be happy with what i have, that i should be content to just be alive. and i am. every moment is a precious gift, and in each day i am learning and growing and loving. i’m in such a wonderful chapter of my life filled with opportunity and the day to day chance to hear the stories of others who are being restored from brokenness. i couldn’t ask for better.
so i don’t. i don’t ask for blessings. i don’t ask for anything. not for myself, anyway.
maybe i don’t trust Him. maybe i don’t trust myself. i have little to no expectation anymore. i’m afraid. even though i see the potential for wonderful things to happen – even now – i suffer from a deadness within me. i’ve numbed myself to it so i don’t experience disappointment or hurt.
i just want to feel alive again. for all that i’ve felt that i’ve grown in, i think i’ve lost that child in me that knew how to dream. that didn’t care whether it was ok to or not, that begged and pleaded and fought for what she wanted. i have forgotten the affirmations and warped them into just mere coincidences or projections.
God, what’s happened to me? i can never seem to stop myself from creating another form of bondage once i’ve been freed from another.