it hasn’t been very long, and yet it feels like forever. it has taken tears and prayer and seemingly endless nights of dark, ugly memories creeping out of their hiding place to haunt me.
you think by now it wouldn’t hurt so much. you’d think by now as i’ve been able to assemble the broken pieces and recreate who i am, it wouldn’t still affect me like it does. even as i unpack the memories once again, they are as fresh as if they happened yesterday. the level of pain they inflict is as deep as it always has been. i was hoping that the intensity would lessen in the light of all that has been restored and healed. but it hasn’t.
it’s not like i’ve forgotten anything – i know that can’t happen, i’ve just learned how to function and not let the memories define and control me.
“but all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.” eph. 5:13, nasb
they’ve been exposed, they’ve been transformed in the light of Who He is; but, even knowing all that and trusting Him through this process once again, i’m afraid of what it is already doing to me. the vulnerability, the instability, the emotions…maybe i have too high of expectations for myself. it’s not helping that i’m starting to feel weak and cowardly. and nothing has really even started yet.
it just aches me to the core.
to experience the many forms of beauty that this world has to offer….sights, sounds, people, words. it’s everywhere, it truly is… when i come across it, i crave, i desire, i want to create more of the same. i want to try and explain it. to paint a picture. to capture it in my mind and never forget it.
it’s been a while since i’ve been inspired like this. and it’s nice to know it’s still within me. but the spark is flickering against elements that would see it die away. against circumstances beyond control. against convictions that take precedence over so-called dreams. against the sheer exhaustion of hanging on to it. and yet, something within me is just dying to break out and bloom…
but i still can’t help but be taken in by the beauty of words. to let my heart be lifted by a song. to breathe in the changing air. to love making someone laugh. and everything within me wants to let go and dream a dream, to remember how to hope in something. to quit being so practical and “content.”
something just needs to break.
what inspires you?
what stops you?
love one another as you love yourself.
am i prepared to do that? the command continues to resonate within me, in ever-increasing levels of depth. can i “love” someone i don’t even know? someone i may never know? can i make that sacrifice?
it’s so easy when it’s just you. when you’re trying to pick up the pieces and learn what it even means to “love yourself.”
but then your world expands…people come and people go, each leaving a mark on your heart…a mark you can trace back to Him as He molds and shapes. i am learning about who He is and how He loves with the help of others – and more often then not, it’s unbeknownst to them. especially those with who it is most difficult with.
but at least i can see them, i can know them. they have faces and names. little time have i spent considering those i don’t know and can’t see. they are easy to forget, easy to overlook.
i have been selfish. there are things that have happened that i want so badly to move on from, and it seems almost possible when i’m only considering myself. but i’ve realized that it’s not just about me.
i have only gone so far as i have allowed myself to go…any farther means asking myself to sacrifice. it means getting uncomfortable. it means putting me aside and thinking about someone else. someone i don’t even know.
it may turn out to nothing. it may turn my world upside down. i really don’t know, but the fact is this: i am commanded to love others as i love myself. even the ones i don’t know.
what would that mean for you?