it hasn’t been very long, and yet it feels like forever. it has taken tears and prayer and seemingly endless nights of dark, ugly memories creeping out of their hiding place to haunt me.
you think by now it wouldn’t hurt so much. you’d think by now as i’ve been able to assemble the broken pieces and recreate who i am, it wouldn’t still affect me like it does. even as i unpack the memories once again, they are as fresh as if they happened yesterday. the level of pain they inflict is as deep as it always has been. i was hoping that the intensity would lessen in the light of all that has been restored and healed. but it hasn’t.
it’s not like i’ve forgotten anything – i know that can’t happen, i’ve just learned how to function and not let the memories define and control me.
“but all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.” eph. 5:13, nasb
they’ve been exposed, they’ve been transformed in the light of Who He is; but, even knowing all that and trusting Him through this process once again, i’m afraid of what it is already doing to me. the vulnerability, the instability, the emotions…maybe i have too high of expectations for myself. it’s not helping that i’m starting to feel weak and cowardly. and nothing has really even started yet.