the nature of seasons

what i miss the most about living in the north is the changing of the seasons. especially the fall. as a child, i used to hate it when the leaves fell because of all the raking i had to do. but now, strangely enough, i crave the sights and smells that the changing weather brings. it’s in my blood, i suppose.
it’s too bad that attitude isn’t always applicable to other areas of my life, seeing as how i tend to resist change (that was magnified when i worked with kids, who don’t do well with it, either).

lately, i see the signs of it…the dying of some things. the cutting away. the anticipation of a darker, harsher season ahead.  it has been a lush and beautiful season of fruitfulness this past year, but i was reminded of this truth:

“…every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit.” john 15:2b. nasb

it’s natural, and realizing that has actually helped me release some of my anxieties. there are things i wish i didn’t have to let go of. there are relationships that i’m having to re-evaluate. then there is me trying to find that middle ground again: when once i relied so heavily on emotions, now i have found myself in the other extreme of relying too much on rationalizing and practicality.  i want both.

i feel stretched, exhausted…i just want to breathe.

but even in the midst of all this, He reminds me Who He is. He demonstrates Himself through His people. He renews my hope in others, even as i find myself hurting and wanting to give up on everyone.

i’ve had the following verses recited to me on two totally separate and unrelated occasions today by two different people (read here for context):

 “…in the presence of Him whom he [Abraham] believed, even God, who gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist. In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, ‘So shall your descendants be.'” romans 4:16-18, nasb

in my past studies, i found myself having a strange affinity with the life of abraham. stranger still was the multiple recitations of these verses to me today. abraham had faith enough that God would raise his son from that altar.  God made a ram appear out of nothing to take issac’s place so that His promise would be fulfilled. in hope against hope, abraham had faith and put it to action by his obedience, even though it didn’t make sense.

hope against hope. even though i can’t say i really understand it, that best describes the state of my heart right now.


if this season were a song…

But I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now and forever


in other words: despite everything, i’ll sing of Your glory.

…because at this rate, that’s all i have. and really, what else is there?

When all I thought was sacred was shattered in the fallout
And my feet of clay the weight can no longer carry

is nothing sacred? especially to those who claim to be a child of the King, to those who  place their desires – their foolishness – ahead of truth and righteousness and honor. think about what it’s doing to those closest to you. to Him.

Lord knows i’m not perfect. right now, i can barely stand. all i thought was sacred, all i had thought i had a firm grip on, now i find myself with no strength to fight for at all.

When love is not a feeling
And hope feels like a cop-out
The ground beneath my feet a sudden shift and I’m buried

i cling to His promises and the hope of them coming true, but my problem is that i can’t allow myself to hope beyond what is written in black and white. anything beyond that isn’t worth my hoping for, no matter how strong the desire, no matter how affirmed it has been in my life (yes, i know…that savors strongly of disappointed “hopes,” doesn’t it?).

His Word is truth, and nothing else is assured.

Hold tight the sacred ties that bind this weary soul

and that’s all i have to cling to. that is all that is holding me together. in the disappointment. in the hurt. in the recovery. in the reality. in the desires that i’ve boxed away. in that urge to run away. in the masking of emotions.

oh, i know this all sounds so pitiful, i know. i can hear their voices in my head: get up. this is not ok. dust yourself off. move on. don’t let it get to you. get over it. you’re letting them win. smile.

and so i will…tomorrow.

Hold tight the sacred ties that bind my weary soul
O God of light, of ancient skies, I sing it out, You’re alive

I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now and forever

because giving Him the glory is what holds me together.


sing of your glory, by bebo norman

what i’ve lost along the way

i know i’m not perfect. i know i have a long way to go. i have a lot to learn,  still a lot to experience. so i watch. i listen. i try to bite my tongue, but sometimes the words escape before i have a chance to think. lately, i’ve seen myself revert back, lose my perspective and give in to my emotions. i’ve been disappointed in myself. i’m actually surprised that there are still traces of that timid, fragile and fearful person still in me. i didn’t like how it seemed like all that i’ve striven to overcome and heal from was so easily forgotten. the memories will always remain. and they will always, always hurt. i just didn’t realize it would still be so much.

what’s funny, though, is despite noticing the obvious weakness in who i was during the early stages of my recovery, i noticed that back then, i had a lot of dreams. i believed in a lot of things. i had hope in its purest form. it was so easy to believe and accept and imagine.

and what’s happened since then? i like to think i’ve become a little more mature, realistic and practical. i’ve gotten stronger and bolder. and “content.” but i worry that i’ve sacrificed some things along the way to get here…and i want them back.

seriously, i’m too young for this.