what i’ve lost along the way

i know i’m not perfect. i know i have a long way to go. i have a lot to learn,  still a lot to experience. so i watch. i listen. i try to bite my tongue, but sometimes the words escape before i have a chance to think. lately, i’ve seen myself revert back, lose my perspective and give in to my emotions. i’ve been disappointed in myself. i’m actually surprised that there are still traces of that timid, fragile and fearful person still in me. i didn’t like how it seemed like all that i’ve striven to overcome and heal from was so easily forgotten. the memories will always remain. and they will always, always hurt. i just didn’t realize it would still be so much.

what’s funny, though, is despite noticing the obvious weakness in who i was during the early stages of my recovery, i noticed that back then, i had a lot of dreams. i believed in a lot of things. i had hope in its purest form. it was so easy to believe and accept and imagine.

and what’s happened since then? i like to think i’ve become a little more mature, realistic and practical. i’ve gotten stronger and bolder. and “content.” but i worry that i’ve sacrificed some things along the way to get here…and i want them back.

seriously, i’m too young for this.



3 thoughts on “what i’ve lost along the way

  1. Dear Sara, you are a child of God, gifted writer and an inspiration to so many that you don’t even know. I want to share today’s Experiencing God Day By Day. -Blackaby

    Press On
    Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead. (Philippians 3:13)

    The world will tell you that the dominating influence in your life is your past. If you came from a difficult home life, that will determine the direction of your life. If your culture was treated unfairly, that will dictate the condition of your life today. If you were hurt or abused or if your youth was spent in rebellion, the remainder of your life will be spent struggling with your past. The world is preoccupied with the past because it faces an uncertain future.

    Christians, on the other hand, live in freedom because Christ has overcome our past. The “old things” have been done away with and “new things” have come_(2 Cor. 5:17). God has so totally forgiven the Christian’s sin that He chooses not to remember it (Isa. 43:25). Christians do not forget the past; but we are not controlled or motivated by it. The Christian looks to the future with hope.

    The people of the world focus on what they are overcoming. Christians focus on what they are becoming. Christians know that the Holy Spirit is conforming them into the image of Christ. Christians know that ultimately they will stand before Christ to give an account of their actions and will spend an eternity in the presence of God. Christians know that eventually every injustice will be addressed and every hurt comforted. They know that Satan, and death itself, will finally be brought to an end. The Christian’s future is so full and rich and exciting that it supersedes whatever happened in the past.

    If you are preoccupied with your past, ask God to open your eyes to the incredible future that awaits you and begin, like Paul, to press on to what is ahead.

  2. thank you, candy.

    i’d like to think that the past isn’t controlling me anymore…but after instances like this, i can’t help but feel defeated. i cling to His promises and the hope of them coming true, but my problem is that i can’t allow myself to hope beyond what is written in black and white. anything beyond that isn’t worth my hoping for, no matter how strong the desire, no matter how affirmed it has been in my life. His Word is truth, and nothing else is assured.

    • I’m praying for you, dear Sara. Don’t let any set of circumstances intimidate you. The more challengIng your day, the more of His power He places at your disposal. He knows what each of your days will contain and He will empower you accordingly. The degree to which He strengthens you on a given day is based on two variables: the difficulty of your circumstances and your willingness to depend on Him for help. Try to view challenging days as opportunities to receive more of His power than usual. Look to Jesus for all that you need and watch to see what He will do. As your day, so shall your strength be.

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