there was a season in my life not too long ago where it was so easy for me to dream and believe in possibilities. i thought i was going to change the world. i thought i knew what i was going to do and how i was going to do it and who i was going to do it all with.
a lot has changed since then.
i’ve hardened myself. mostly because i don’t like the feeling of disappointment. i deny myself things too quickly and easily. it is what it is, so be content. my imagination has essentially become my enemy. for so many years, it was how i coped…my mind was how i escaped from the reality i was living. i’m safe here inside my mind – no one can get in. i can obsess and linger and no one will ever know. but as i’ve gone through recovery, i realized that it couldn’t be my crutch anymore, and so when i’ve caught myself using it, i’ve quickly snuffed it out. so i’ve become afraid of it. and when i find myself struggling with it, i immediately fall back into that all-too-wrong line of thinking that i’m screwed up. who am i, anyway? stopping being ungrateful and focus on what is in front of you. there’s no need to look any farther…there are no guarantees.
i can trace all of those lie back to the past. and – as i’ve recently discovered – when you believe a lie, you’re in bondage. i’m glad i see that now, but now i’m accountable – once again – for what i do with it. so where do i begin?
well, it seems it has something to do with hope. hope is a choice. and it’s essential to faith.
“Now faith is the assurance of thingshoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the men of old gained approval. By faith we understand that theworlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible.” hebrews 11:1-3, nasb
choosing to hope goes against everything i’ve ever done. it goes against every “logical” response i’ve had to things. it’s good. it’s requires trust. it’s draws me closer to Him.
”…in the presence of Him whom he [Abraham] believed, even God, who gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist. In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, ‘So shall your descendants be.’” romans 4:16-18, nasb
but i don’t deserve any of it. i don’t want to hurt again. i’m protected here.i should be happy enough with what i have, because it’s by far better than where i’ve been.
all lies, but at the same time, so much easier to hang on to.
i have a long way to go. His word and love are the realest things to me despite everything, and yet i struggle with the idea of hope. seems like i don’t make much sense, but then again, when have i ever?