onward with a heavy heart

“Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” romans 12:15, nasb

i have felt that verse rather keenly without seeking to do so. i don’t have a choice, really. i haven’t decided which is the most difficult: to rejoice when one doesn’t feel like rejoicing, or to weep when one would rather rejoice; to laugh when – in my heart – i want to cry for myself, or to cry for another and be exhausted. that always seems to be the struggle, and yet i can’t help but obey. i can’t help but feel privileged to be able to do so.

they call on us to make resolutions in the new year, but i can’t bring myself to do it. the transitions are taking place naturally, and i would have it no other way. i won’t force change, but i will do my best to accept it as it comes.

relationships are hard. it is so much easier to live selfishly, to not be affected by those around us. to extend some pity, but never to the point where it would cause us discomfort. it could be said that i take too much upon myself, but i can’ t help it. i can’t help but be burdened for those i know – and even some i don’t. if the option were offered to cast it away, i know i wouldn’t be able to do it. i would be throwing away a piece of myself.

love has been my greatest lesson. to love is to know Him for He is love. His people are His channel. we are His children, His family…we aren’t supposed to live alone. we are all connected, we are one. we hurt when others hurt, we cheer when others cheer, cry when others cry, laugh when others laugh…at least, that’s how it supposed to be. that’s what’s natural…

but my heart is grieving now.  i found myself influenced by the attitudes and choices of others in ways that i thought i was above, and now i must back away with a sense of defeat. i found myself face to face with who i was and realized that despite all that has happened, it was easy for me to slip right back in to it. and so i must distance myself. i can’t change a person. i can’t make their choices for them. i can’t stop my life and chase after them as they go down a path they know they shouldn’t. i must take care and guard my heart.

i feel weak, i feel incapable, i feel like a jerk…

i wonder at how much of a contradiction i can be sometimes…

sara

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4 thoughts on “onward with a heavy heart

  1. Sara, we’re right there with you…
    “All your sins were future when Jesus died.”
    “All that will be is not now yet.”
    “Faith is being able to visualize as true and real already what God is yet to do.”
    “Trusting God means looking beyond what we can see to what God sees.”
    Morning after morning in my quiet time, I bring myself back to the Cross of Christ…as I bow before Him, I experience anew His forgiveness, redemption, mercy, and grace, as I sense His blood dripping over the Crown of Thorns pressed into His brow, onto my heart, covering my sin, and I get up from my knees wearing His Robe of righteousness as I face the day ahead…
    blessings,
    beth

  2. It is not because of defeat that you must back away. It is for protection and renewal. At another date and time you might be strong enough to withstand the storm created by those who are sliding down the wrong path. You are so right…you can’t stop your life and run after them. Wait. The Lord tells us that. Wait upon the Lord. The right time may be later…not now.

  3. Thank you for sharing this, my sweet friend.

    It’s easy for me to slip back into those patterns. I can’t change anyone, as much as I might try. Unfortunately, I’ve come face to face with that reality when I’ve been trying to do just that for some time.

    Take care of yourself. Back away and let it all unfold. Not doing so could stop the person’s recovery process–even hitting rock bottom before they seek real help.

    Love and hugs,
    Daphne

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