one word: freedom

last year i had some issues. i felt myself feeling restricted, stuck in a box, trapped in habits…and i can’t stand the thought of any kind of bondage. i desire freedom. i too easily fall into lines of legalism: dos, don’ts, musts, can’ts…so i do what i can to avoid it. growing up in an environment of restriction and legalism and spiritual abuse has turned me fearful into falling back into the old habits.

it’s hard to know when to draw the line. keeping what’s healthy and dismissing what’s not. staying motivated enough to keep up. my bible studying habits have suffered because of my fear of turning it into a chore:  i must do this a certain way and i can’t use that and this is the routine i must keep and if i fail in any which way or break a personal rule then…well, you can see the issue.

so in my effort to free myself from…well, myself, i stepped back a bit and tried to simplify. i tried not to heap so much guilt on myself when it didn’t happen…and then it started to NOT happen very often at all. my prayer life and relationship with Him didn’t seem to suffer, but i started starving myself, and have been since wondering why i’m suddenly so indifferent and frustrated. how could i have allowed it? getting to know Him is one of the most precious privileges i had come to love and crave…studying His word is a beautiful, beautiful thing. when did it start becoming a burden? how could i take something so wonderful and turn it against myself? really, i’m just ridiculous.

God is not a God of bondage. He set us free. He is also not a God of fear, and yet somehow that has crept its way into my life again. maybe i need to take a look at how the spiritual abuses are still affecting me.  i’ve had to be so diligent in so many areas of my life in my recovery to not fall back; it’s a constant thing, and it just seems like as one layer is peeled away, another is revealed. so here i am again…

so, while i’ve been opposed to making any kind of resolution, i am determined to deal with this. to achieve freedom spiritually, emotionally, socially, etc. because, really, the more i think about it, i’ve got a deeply rooted issue here.

(and now i have the mental picture of mel gibson screaming in my head.)

so, here’s to my one word: FREEEEEDOOOMM!!!

sara

i blame the OneWord365 initiative for this. i fought against the idea for a while, because, well…i didn’t want to be committed/restricted/on a bandwagon/whatever. and i actually had a different word to begin with, and then found myself fighting against the idea of changing it to this.

so…while i’m a few days late, here goes…

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “one word: freedom

  1. Sara, this is an eye opener for me. I grew up in an environment of unrelenting restriction, coupled with destructive behavior all around me which, in turn, caused confusion and anxiety in my early life which carried into my adult life. I experience some of these same issues, still, but have pushed them aside, thinking, ‘oh, I have dealt with these’. Turns out, not so much. For instance, feeling I always have to do things a certain way or else…what? That everything that goes wrong is my fault…why? That if I break the routine….guilt? Those are the questions. I beleive I am my own worst enemy. You have given me much to ponder. Thank you…you are wise beyond your years. God has given you remarkable strength and insight as He does with those who listen and obey.
    -Candy

  2. For me, it’s been–and will continue to be–a process of slowing down throughout my day, trying to become more self-aware about why I do or don’t do things. When I get convicted in one way or another, I ask forgiveness and carry on. One step at a time.

    Don’t beat yourself up. You’re on to freedom!

    Blessings,
    Daphne

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s