some things i don’t want to admit

i’m struggling with what to do and say here..because, truth be told, it seems like what’s left to talk about are things i don’t want to admit.

i’ve laid my life open for people. i’ve bled to the point where i can’t bleed anymore. i do it because i must, for Him…but now i’m not feeling anything. He’s stood me up, He’s given me the strength to fight. i’ve learned how to rely on Him, to not cling to those idols and false ideals. to realize that He is all that i need. He is everything.

but i feel myself growing hardened. cynical. alone. and that shouldn’t be happening, should it?

God has worked through so many people, shown me His love through His children, and is constantly increasing their numbers. i almost can’t believe it’s real…who i was, and who i am now. once having so little, and now having so much. i don’t deserve it, and i even doubt it.

i expect to always have to fight. to always have to struggle. to always have to lose. and that’s what we’re promised. that’s what we should expect. it’s how we learn, how we get stronger, and that’s what i want. i want people to see Him, not me.

but i don’t want to be limp in His hands. i want to be alive.


ah, yes…almost forgot: it’s near my 1st year blogging anniversary. fwee.