it takes so much energy to genuinely love and to care for someone. it takes such a painful level of self-sacrifice to place them ahead of you; to grieve when they’re grieving, to laugh when they’re laughing. it takes a great deal of effort to let go, to allow Him to work in their hearts. it takes such an attitude of humility. you go into it thinking you know what is best, thinking you know how it’s going to work out…and then you find He has a different way to go about it entirely. but still, it’s something to still be able to thank Him, to see what He sees, to learn His ways and see what it means to let my will disappear into His, i wouldn’t trade that in for anything…
never have i had such a strong connection with so many, and it all being unbeknownst to them. as i pray for them, as i cry for them, as i enter His gates on their behalf, as i carry this honor i have been ignorant of for too long, it’s like i am viewing them from a whole different lens. it has replaced the rose-colored glass in some cases, and has given me something so much more real…and raw.
i’m seeing that the only thing my prayers have the power to change is me. my heart. my attitude. my perspective. it has drawn me closer to Him, and has allowed me to experience a whole new level in the relationships i have with others – and share with Him.
at the same time, the spiritual battles have become so much harder. the emotional toll it has taken has been substantial. it’s hard to talk about and explain…i don’t know if it even makes sense. or just appears that i’m trying to be “super-spiritual.” in truth, the realities i have to face have made me cynical. the desire to just turn cold so as to protect myself from any more pain becomes stronger and stronger. i have become so analytical about my motives. and trying to make sure i “put in” as much as i “put out” so i’m not leading myself into a another breakdown continues to be an issue.
i’m so tired of the platitudes. i’m tired of all the christianese bull. i’m tired of questioning the sincerity of others and dealing with disappointment. this has been something alive…something i needed to feel. even though it pierces, it’s the realest thing i’ve had gone on in my life a while. all the experiences that have tied into it have hashed me out and refined me in ways i had never sought or knew. and while it’s hard and hurts and rips away pieces of my heart, at least i know i can trust it. it’s challenging me. it’s bringing me face to face with the ugly parts of who i am and making me want to change.
i have no idea what i’ll end up with in the end. but at least i know i’m doing something right for a change.