is everything. it was everything for Him. it’s everything for us.
it means being rejected. it means being hurt. it means fighting against the natural human desire to not give a bloody damn. it means making Him the center of your world, and allowing Him to use you as a vessel: using you when you don’t want to be, when you feel used enough, and when you know you have nothing to give. when you’re screaming and writhing against it. when you’re praying and cursing at the same time. when you want to throw yourself down and shatter into pieces so you won’t have to be responsible anymore.
but what blazes at the very core is the reality that it isn’t about us. it’s not about our comfort or the cost or what we can and can’t do. it’s seeing what His love through us can do in the lives of others, so that others may see Him. it means sacrifice. it’s so easy to justify against what may push us beyond our physical, spiritual, emotional and social limits. so easy. easy to say you’ve been through enough, that you need to start thinking about yourself.
myself. me. if only it were about me and what i wanted. if only. but really, if it were, how miserable that would be. i am nothing without Him. He gave me everything. life. a life i am wholly and completely grateful to Him for.
i want Him to love through me because that’s what most makes me feel alive. i will fight against it. i will resist. because i am weak. so very weak.
but that’s what He works best with.