the cost of love

is everything. it was everything for Him. it’s everything for us.

it means being rejected. it means being hurt. it means fighting  against the natural human desire to not give a bloody damn. it means making Him the center of your world, and allowing Him to use you as a vessel: using you when you don’t want to be, when you feel used enough, and  when you know you have nothing to give. when you’re screaming and writhing against it. when you’re praying and cursing at the same time. when you want to throw yourself down and shatter into pieces so you won’t have to be responsible anymore.

but what blazes at the very core is the reality that it isn’t about us. it’s not about our comfort or the cost or what we can and can’t do. it’s seeing what His love through us can do in the lives of others, so that others may see Him. it means sacrifice. it’s so easy to justify against what may push us beyond our physical, spiritual, emotional and social limits. so easy. easy to say you’ve been through enough, that you need to start thinking about yourself.

myself. me. if only it were about me and what i wanted. if only. but really, if it were, how miserable that would be. i am nothing without Him. He gave me everything. life. a life i am wholly and completely grateful to Him for.

i want Him to love through me because that’s what most makes me feel alive. i will fight against it. i will resist. because i am weak. so very weak.

but that’s what He works best with.



looking back, i never expected that things would change for me. i felt trapped, and honestly believed i would go to the grave with the secrets i carried. oh, how i wanted things to change, but it was hard to imagine considering that the life i lived, the environment i grew up in, was all i knew. all i could believe in. all that i felt i deserved.

things did change, though. it took me all by surprise. and these last few years have been a roller coaster of growth, struggles and new experiences. it’s almost hard to believe i had the life i did…sometimes. but things DID change. it’s the life i couldn’t imagine, that’s the life i’m living now.

but being a girl who tends to go from one extreme to another, i’m all about resisting changes now. something i wanted so desperately in one chapter of my life, i’m cringing in the face of in the next. as He has set my feet on solid ground, as He’s steadied my steps, as i’ve gotten used to everything and everyone the way it is and have some sense of normalcy, He’s decided to shake things up a bit. changes in relationships, circumstances, emotions, opportunities…and my immediate response is to want and run and shelter myself. i can’t, and i won’t, but sometimes i want to, and i kick myself for it.  for the most part, it’s all good, it’s exciting, but i continue resisting. i fight the urge to be withdrawn. i have a hard time staying motivated. i look for distractions.

it’s so childish, i know. and we all do it. we all resist. i wonder how i manage to be a contradiction on so many levels. having witnessed the value of change and what God has been able to do, why am i struggling with all this? it’s life, and changes happen, but it feels like i only started living it just a few years ago. i need to hold it closer, i need to enjoy it more. it’s all going by so fast, and oh so unpredictably.

but, in the midst of it all, i had a single thought. the single thought that has kind of set me at ease.

He is changeless.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” hebrews 13:8, nasb

He has always been, He is, and He always will be. and He has always been Who He is. every aspect of Him is perfect and complete and unaffected by time and circumstance.  i have no idea how to touch that.  we’re always changing, everything is changing…but He doesn’t. i anchor myself in this truth as He is constantly working change within me. there’s something strangely profound about this arrangement, and i don’t quite grasp it yet.