looking back, i never expected that things would change for me. i felt trapped, and honestly believed i would go to the grave with the secrets i carried. oh, how i wanted things to change, but it was hard to imagine considering that the life i lived, the environment i grew up in, was all i knew. all i could believe in. all that i felt i deserved.
things did change, though. it took me all by surprise. and these last few years have been a roller coaster of growth, struggles and new experiences. it’s almost hard to believe i had the life i did…sometimes. but things DID change. it’s the life i couldn’t imagine, that’s the life i’m living now.
but being a girl who tends to go from one extreme to another, i’m all about resisting changes now. something i wanted so desperately in one chapter of my life, i’m cringing in the face of in the next. as He has set my feet on solid ground, as He’s steadied my steps, as i’ve gotten used to everything and everyone the way it is and have some sense of normalcy, He’s decided to shake things up a bit. changes in relationships, circumstances, emotions, opportunities…and my immediate response is to want and run and shelter myself. i can’t, and i won’t, but sometimes i want to, and i kick myself for it. for the most part, it’s all good, it’s exciting, but i continue resisting. i fight the urge to be withdrawn. i have a hard time staying motivated. i look for distractions.
it’s so childish, i know. and we all do it. we all resist. i wonder how i manage to be a contradiction on so many levels. having witnessed the value of change and what God has been able to do, why am i struggling with all this? it’s life, and changes happen, but it feels like i only started living it just a few years ago. i need to hold it closer, i need to enjoy it more. it’s all going by so fast, and oh so unpredictably.
but, in the midst of it all, i had a single thought. the single thought that has kind of set me at ease.
He is changeless.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” hebrews 13:8, nasb
He has always been, He is, and He always will be. and He has always been Who He is. every aspect of Him is perfect and complete and unaffected by time and circumstance. i have no idea how to touch that. we’re always changing, everything is changing…but He doesn’t. i anchor myself in this truth as He is constantly working change within me. there’s something strangely profound about this arrangement, and i don’t quite grasp it yet.