a step out of the ordinary

i want to write something. i want to create something beautiful and strange and timeless.

but i see myself falling back. becoming who i used to be, careless and scared, unmotivated and unreliable. becoming someone who you can just pass by and take no notice of. and slowly, slowly losing that ability to imagine.

but i want to be seen.  i want to be heard. why have i allowed myself to fall back into patterns that i had vowed to never return to? where did that craving go? when did i become so afraid to imagine? even at the worst of times, at life’s lowest points, i had that ability to retreat into my mind – to create things. to sit there and daydream and lose track of time. and now, when i am free and have so much opportunity to make things happen, i can’t. i have no time. i’m too practical.

when did i stop believing amazing things could happen to me? so much HAS happened. they DO happen. every day. sometimes i notice, sometimes i don’t. and when i don’t, it’s because i’m blinded. blinded by doubt.

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where will i go? who will i be? what will i leave behind? i don’t question, i just…wonder. in Eternity, it probably won’t even cross our minds…but this. this life is everything to us now.  and oh, the nights. the nights when things are so easy to believe. when reality could be anything as others sleep. when the light of day and reality can’t tell you your dreams aren’t real. when darkness covers the world around us and our imaginations can write anything on it – like a canvas.

so here i am. in this little room. wanting so much more, but realizing Eternity. where is the balance? what are the limits? what do i ask for, hope for? where do i draw the line and just accept things as they are?  or…when do i just let myself GO? in the light of Eternity, what do my hopes, dreams and desires look like?

tomorrow i will wake up. tomorrow life will continue on. i’ll do what i’m supposed to do. no one will do the things i’ve imagined them to do. nothing world-changing, romantic or amazing will happen…just in my head. it’ll be another day…

it was a step out of the ordinary that changed it all for me. some have called it faith, or bravery, or just doing the right thing. years have passed since then. nearly five years. what step out will change the next five?

sara