i have to repeat this over and over in my head. over and over with my lips. it has been my prayer. He is enough. He is everything. i have all that I need.
i have to tell myself that God is enough.
i want so much. i want to be so much. nothing is enough. i fall into regret and guilt and self-pity. and I hate myself for it. i hate this hole. i feel so greedy.
He is enough. wholly and completely. in this moment, i have all that i need. always. i need to always know that.
He is enough.
i wonder sometimes at how i am able to have such a capacity for extremes.
- considering how i once had such a depth for hatred.
- that i once possessed such an ugly, violent temper.
- how my words could be so harsh and cutting and cruel.
- how i could once so coolly and easily lie.
believe it or not, that was all me at one point. and at times, shadows of all this still pass over me. i know i am still capable of it. my humanity is so real.
- and then there is where i am now. how the pursuit of understanding true love and being a channel for it has become my foremost desire.
- how i practice patience and understanding in a way i never thought i was capable of.
- how i want my words to be a source of life and encouragement.
- that i desire nothing but the truth in all things. even to the point where people think i’m ridiculous.
i drive myself crazy sometimes wondering how such a small human being such as myself can hold so many contradictions. how am i still alive? how have i not been struck down?
what’s funny is the areas i have such a capacity for wrong and weakness in, i have such a drive and desire to contradict. to be like Him all the more…but every now and then i give in. i’m ugly. i’m mean. i’m a house divided. how am i not continuously falling? no one frustrates me more than me.
paul says nothing good lives in me. but, then again, He does.