i wonder sometimes at how i am able to have such a capacity for extremes.

  • considering how i once had such a depth for hatred.
  • that i once possessed such an ugly, violent temper.
  • how my words could be so harsh and cutting and cruel.
  • how i could once so coolly and easily lie.

believe it or not, that was all me at one point. and at times, shadows of all this still pass over me. i know i am still capable of it. my humanity is so real.

  • and then there is where i am now. how the pursuit of understanding true love and being a channel for it has become my foremost desire.
  • how i practice patience and understanding in a way i never thought i was capable of.
  • how i want my words to be a source of life and encouragement.
  • that i desire nothing but the truth in all things. even to the point where people think i’m ridiculous.

i drive myself crazy sometimes wondering how such a small human being such as myself can hold so many contradictions.  how am i still alive? how have i not been struck down?

what’s funny is the areas i have such a capacity for wrong and weakness in, i have such a drive and desire to contradict. to be like Him all the more…but every now and then i give in. i’m ugly. i’m mean. i’m a house divided. how am i not continuously falling? no one frustrates me more than me.

paul says nothing good lives in me. but, then again, He does.



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