i swear, if someone tells me “He knows the desires of your heart” one more friggin’ time…

if you knew how difficult something worth having was going to be to obtain, would you still be willing to go after it?

right now, i feel like i’ve sacrificed so much time and emotion over people and ideals that never worked out; and as a result, i have become so afraid of being alone. i know people would say it’s ridiculous at my age to think like that, but there’s a good portion of my life i can never get back. it’s only within these last few years i feel like i’ve begun to live, and time just seems to go by faster. i feel like i’m losing my worth.

but back to my initial question…

i climbed a mountain recently that nearly made me want to fall on my butt on several occasions and weep uncontrollably when i saw what lay ahead. at times, i didn’t give a rip for the view that was at the top. as beautiful as i could imagine it to be wasn’t motivation enough to get up.

my personality typically demands directness. the sharp knife cuts the quickest, hurts the least. if there is hurt to be had or a difficult lesson to be learned or a heartbreak to be endured, just let me get it over with…but if i can’t demand it or just won’t for whatever reason, that’s when stuff get ugly. i plop down, curl up and torment myself with the anticipation. i question if anything is even worth having or pursuing and if i should just “be content” where i am. 

and time after time, just when i think  the inclines are over, then comes another.

for me, ideals are really hard to let go of. i feel empty without them. and afraid. and alone. my imagination is my best friend and my worst enemy. night was always the time for creativity…but now I dread it. my determination has taken one hell of a beating.

i’ve been here before so many times, it seems. i don’t like drifting any more than feeling like i’m stuck in a rut. i want to latch on to something, and feel like i’m worth being latched to. i’ve written down the same kind of thoughts in different entries over the span of five years…and it seems like i still have no better way of “dealing.” i just let the time go by and hope for the best.

so here i sit, looking up at that steep, rocky incline. eyes filling with tears. hearing the argument in the back of my mind to either “suck it up” or “give it up” and wondering what exactly is all this all for, anyway. what’s up there that’s so damn worth all this?

time will tell, i suppose…but i can never trust it to tell me anything because it’s always in such a flippin’ hurry.

sara

rocks and snakes

you get what you expect.

at least, that’s been my mentality. as hard as i’ve tried to work on it, i tend to always half-expect things to turn out the opposite of what i hope for. probably more than half, really. and usually…i’m right, because reality never fails to set in. so, i throw my hands up in the air and figure it’s just some lesson that i “have” to learn…whether it’s being content or dealing with disappointment or paying better attention to detail or whatever. and once more, i pick myself up and move on. again, and again, and again. it is what it is.

what happened to those glory years when i started all this? when anything seemed possible and my dreams were going to change the world?  those years weren’t easy, oh nooo…but somehow, my perspective was a little more wide-eyed and full of lovely ideals.

but as i gained my independence, as i had to put things into practice and move forward, that’s when it all was, i don’t know…tainted, maybe? sometimes i feel cheated. it’s not like i had a rose-colored view of the world – oh, hells no. i know better than that. but reality. you have to fight for everything. time flies by faster every day. depression sucks the life out of you. heartbreak paralyzes you. you see others enjoying what you so desperately want, and you realize you are no where near closer to it than before. i just don’t want to care anymore sometimes.

i read this passage the other night:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (matt 7:7-11, nasb)

i almost wanted to call bull on it, but i thought about how i always go into it expecting the rock. always looking for it, and feeling like that is what is always served to me in the outcome. sometimes i see myself just snatching a rock at His feet and running off to get the disappointment over with. i expected that from fathers, i suppose. asking for love and getting something else. wanting truth, but getting lies. looking for something to hope for, but always getting my dreams crushed. why even ask anymore?

i know God doesn’t work like that, but i found myself crying out for bread the other night. literally. i prayed for that bread…whatever that is. i want that different perspective…i want to always see the good. even when it hurts. even when it’s not the outcome i wanted.

oh to have that ability.

sara

hard to believe

you know, it’s hard for me to believe someone when they call me beautiful…and it’s all because the wrong person used to tell me the same thing.

but i am worth pursuing. i am worth being fought for. i am beautiful, and not because of what anyone says or doesn’t say or does or doesn’t do. it’s who i am. He made me. He put me back together. it’s been nearly six years of it now…

it’s easier said than done, but it’s about damn time i start believing that about myself.

TOWANDA!

sara