the latest in my ongoing life-quest…

there is no one harder on me than me. it’s a life goal to understand this concept of love…and i want to so desperately; but, as the saying goes, be careful what you wish for. or pray for, really…because it gets to the point where i just can’t handle it: i feel like everything has been scooped and scraped out of me and replaced with something foreign and uncomfortable. as i try and take what’s been put inside by Him and use it, i end up feeling more beat up and hurt than anything. and i’m left wondering, what am i doing wrong? where do the boundaries go? what does “guarding your heart” even mean? what if i want something more?

something more. of being open enough when it gets past a certain point of just “loving like Jesus.” an issue of being misunderstood. here i am demanding honesty from others, but i’m not always open about the depth of how i feel. i’m guilty of hiding behind Jesus (…as if that was ever thought possible to do in a negative way) in order to prevent myself from being hurt or disappointed.

there is nothing more life-sucking and painful than experiencing hurt from those you care about the most. they can hurt you like no one else…sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it’s not. boundaries are hard to draw. concessions are hard to make. making considerations always stretches you past rationale. but love is sacrifice, right?  more often that not, though, i play the fool, not the martyr.  i’m not sure that i’ll ever get better at discerning and knowing when to quit caring. i can’t quit…but that’s no credit to me at all. what is amazing is even after a roller coaster of emotions and saying enough is enough, i find myself still caring…still wanting to care. still driven to move forward and show who He is. and still hope, somehow. i know for certain that what i try and do has nothing to do with me at all. if it did, i would only have the capacity to not care at all.

i hate feeling like a puppet, but i had a conversation with Him that made me realize something: here i am thinking i’m giving my all for nothing, but really, what i’m giving isn’t even mine. here i am selfishly looking for something in return, but that’s not why i should be doing it. here i am arguing the fairness of it all with Him because He is infinite and all-knowing and how can He successfully ever use shells like us to do what He asks.  this flesh takes a beating…but, then again, so did His. He gave everything, knowing that He would be rejected over and over and over again. every moment of every day. despite Him having that all-knowing advantage, i imagined that His grief for souls He desperately loves refusing to see what He did for them goes beyond anything i will ever feel.

be perfect like our father in heaven is perfect. love others as you love yourself. love your enemies.  turn the other cheek. walk the extra mile. where are the boundaries we’re always so concerned about?

i have been spoiled by the relationships that i have. and because of that, when i step out of my safe little bubble and find myself hurt, i retreat. i don’t know that i will ever figure this love-thing out. to have someone love me the way He loves us, how can i ever expect that from anyone, for someone like me? this stuff is hard to do.