these days, each morning introduces me to a whole new set of emotions. i never know what to expect. sometimes i welcome the change; other times, i would just much rather stay in bed. what determines the way our heart works at night as we sleep? i wish i knew. i don’t care for these kind of surprises, especially first thing in the morning.
lately, though, it’s been the coolness of indifference…and i am embracing it in all areas of my life. i don’t know if it’s right or wrong to rejoice in it, but i’ve waited so long to get to this point. i’ve felt so much…too much, really. and so now, to be able to breathe and not care, to not look back, to not cry and ache and wonder…i welcome it, i want it to stay.
still, there is that little gnaw. that little bit of scraping that doesn’t want me to forget. it wants to hold on while i try so desperately to cast it all away for good, so i can run and never look back. it’s that one single string attached to my heart, the one i want to rip out and leave behind. i’m tugging at it, especially now, as indifference allows me. i’m entreating to myself, please let go. there’s no reason to hang on. with each passing day it should matter less and less. just. let. go.
(oh, how i long for that moment of release. that one last twinge of hurt that will free me from everything.)
it’s not that i want the passage of time or the fleeting of emotions to devalue the experiences that have helped to mold me. but these painful ones… these are the ones that manage to break through every barrier, lay waste to your defenses, and wound your very soul. i don’t know whether to to set up a shrine around it, or just replace the brokenness with walls that are even stronger.