no one has ever fallen in love with anyone because they made them feel like crap. they fall in love because – through someone else – they are able see their worth in the sacrifices the other is willing to make on their behalf.
growing up, i had to listen to two hours of radio sermons daily, four hours of television sermons every saturday night, along with that was church attendance and mandatory “family” bible study. i heard a lot about how ugly and sinful we are as people. i was shamed for what i wore, how i looked, for talking to “worldly” people…my motives always seemed to be wrong. i could never do enough right.
now, i understand my upbringing was abusive and extreme, but a lot of people are raised to “love” christ with the threat of hell and punishment pressed against their temple if they don’t. they are pushed into this rat race of doing and studying and plugging in somewhere. and when they do fail, grace is unknown to them for some reason. it’s as if we didn’t know how to fall in love with Him in the first place. that’s been my struggle. for some reason, we have the insatiable need as formerly broken/newly restored little creatures to torment the hell out of ourselves when we do wrong. because we deserve it. we suck. God knows it, the past proves it, and that’s all anyone truly expects from us. and when good comes, when love reveals itself true, we want to push it away. we want to run and hide and prove we don’t deserve it.
i wish i knew why. i look into me and see all the ugly. i know all those deep, dark secrets about myself. i can’t forget all those terrible things I experienced. i still wake up in the middle of the night because of nightmares. i see all my contradictions. i know who i am, and that’s why it’s so hard to love myself. people can say it, but they don’t see what i see or know what I know.
but God knows. He sees, and it’s not what i see. and lately, that’s all i can think about. He loves me always, unchanging, even at my lowest. i’ve been praying for others in my life to know His love when i myself have the same struggle in accepting it. it’s funny how it is.
i’m sure it’s all just a matter of not fighting it and just letting it happen.