to love is a difficult thing. to say otherwise is a lie. it’s never easy, it never “just happens”…it’s a fight. a terrible, beautiful fight. it takes effort and tears and pain. love is sacrifice. love means putting someone ahead of yourself. love is Christ stripping Himself of His heavenly glory to be broken so that we could receive all that we don’t deserve. that’s the kind of love He tells us to have for each other…and it takes you into dark places, forcing you to anchor yourself to Him as you fight to hold on to those you care about in the midst of a storm. that’s when His love becomes real in us: when we let Him use us as a vessel to demonstrate it to another. you crack, you bend, you may even lose a piece of yourself…but oh, how much more you know Him as a result.
i’ve made this blog about my restless endeavor to understand what love truly is. i’ve learned the same lessons countless times over. i thought that doing things “right” meant that i had to show God i love Him by doing what i’m supposed to do; by beating myself up and feeling undeserving because i’m such a broken, sinful creature who deserves nothing good and punishing myself for whatever; by being someone who expects disappointment, and is weighed down heavily by a spiritually depressed spirit…
because of all that, i had lost sight of something: i don’t need to prove anything to Him. i am His, accepted just as i am, even at my lowest. He already knows everything. i’m always trying to fix something about myself or trying to scratch off another shortcoming to be better, and He doesn’t love me any more or any less when i succeed or fail…i am still His.
i’ve been told countless times to protect myself. to be careful. but we’re told to love one another – our brothers and sisters in Christ. all of us are beautiful in His sight: at our lowest, at our ugliest, and in our failures…because He first loved us. i don’t have the capacity He does, but it is my determination that those He has brought into my life for one reason or another to love, i will let Him tear me apart so that He can pour His love out, no matter how much it hurts. because He first loved me that way.