i hate it when i’m wrong

never put anything past anyone.

i used to hear that a lot growing up. i didn’t want to believe it to be true, considering the source of it, and i think i’ve bent and twisted myself  in so many different ways these past few years to try and prove that it’s a lie. i want to see the good, i want to hold on to hope, i want to believe things will turn out all right…but the fact is that i am naive.

the reality is this: i hate it when i’m wrong. i hate it when i’ve invested time and emotion and hope and tears into something only to have it all come to naught in the end. it’s a blow to my pride, and it’s totally selfish. i feel so foolish, i get so angry. i see who people are, what they could be, and feel so powerless as i watch them fall back into old habits and set themselves up for more pain. over and over again. and yet, i continue to hang on. i know i must be doing something wrong here, and i am becoming convinced that this little spark of hope is actually a weapon being used against me, pushing me into the line of fire and forcing me to see the harsh reality of the human condition: the selfishness, the obsessions, the lies. you can never put anything past them. and what’s more, seeing the potential isn’t the same as seeing the reality. when you blur the line between the two, it’s a very dangerous thing. and that’s my fault. every. damn. time. any hurt that follows is a result of my foolishness.

i’ve had a lot of time to myself over this past holiday. and that’s how i wanted it. a lot of time to think…which can be a dangerous thing. it was terrifying. this has been one hell of a year. as i look back on it, so much is a blur, so much still hurts. i want to believe that 2016 will be a clean slate, that it will be the answer to all my questions and the balm to all my hurts…but i know it doesn’t work that way. i appreciated the opportunity to step out of my comfort zone, to let my rough edges be exposed, to apply what i’ve learned to difficult situations and relationships. it’s made a lot of things more real to me. there has been some good…but they’re more like silver linings to these dark clouds i’m left with. i’m not sure what to do with all these shattered pieces, with all this anger and frustration and confusion. as if i didn’t know that people hurt, that life isn’t fair, that change is hard…i guess i had to be reminded of how weak and powerless i am in the face of it all.

i have no idea what’s next. but i admit it now: i was wrong.

sara

 

the struggle is real

bear one another’s burdens.

but how much, and for how long?

when do you stop thinking about them to think about yourself?

when does it become “unhealthy?”

when does love need to become “tough?”or is that even supposed to be a thing among us?

we’re just given the general guidelines. love one another. love yourself. turn your cheek. forgive your enemies. go the extra, thankless mile. be kind, patient, humble and gracious. be like Him. be living, breathing sacrifices every day. but then here we are, in a world full of wounded, broken people. and here i am…trying to find the balance between opinions, emotions, circumstances and Truth.

i’ve spent the last few years pushing myself through recovery, trying to make sense of life and love after having been subjected to so much perverseness and cruelty. here i am, having had to learn how to take care of and love myself, having had to erect boundaries and make sure i’m not letting other’s define my happiness and who i am.  lately, though, it’s harder to draw that line. harder to see those boundaries. this past year, i’ve seen people i care about hurt and struggle beyond my capacity or understanding to help them. i have felt so helpless. i’ve been deeply depressed. i’m continuously frustrated. i’ve thought myself foolish and a naive. sometimes i’ve known how to respond, but that hasn’t always made it any easier to act. other times, i haven’t known the answer and just tried acting on what i knew, and later wondered if i just made everything worse (those damn “good intentions”). but in every case, i have sincerely tried to live up to His command to love, to be understanding, to hope against hope and believe He will make a difference…

the thing is, i’m left here at the end of it all, wondering if my understanding of everything i’ve felt He has taught me these last few years has been right. because now, given the chance to apply it, and looking back…i don’t know. i carry this heaviness in my chest now….how ironic is that? right over the heart.

i have to learn the hard way. that much i know about myself. and love is hard. and that’s ok. but the struggle…it’s real, folks. it’s very real.

sara