i’ve had a lot of people ask me lately if i’ve written anything. i haven’t really known how to answer. i mean, the answer is no. no i haven’t. not a single jot. (not apart from work emails, anyway.) but then comes the ominous follow-up question: why? why haven’t you written anything?
once it was such an outlet for me, the one way i knew i could show the world my depths, a way that i could somehow feel appreciated for who i am. but now i’ve found that i’d rather retreat into my own space, my own mind and leave everyone else out of it. unless they make an effort to be there.
but back to the reason why. the reason is that no one is going to want to hear what i have to say now. they’re used to someone i no longer am. some like the change, some don’t…and quite honestly, i really don’t care anymore. my thoughts, my beliefs, my convictions are mine to have…and i’ve come to embrace the evolution of them. i leave certain people out now because i once too easily let them and their words in. too often i’ve bent under the judgment and influence of others. once i thought it was for my own good, but not anymore. maybe for a time it was. but no more.
this may sound like a potentially negative attitude to you, but you’re wrong. it’s given me the chance to celebrate others rather than judge them and push them out for their differences. it’s given me the freedom to make mistakes and not feel like the wrath of God will devour me. it’s allowed me the opportunity to question what i’ve been taught throughout my life and find the truth of things. i’ve seen a lot of people come and go. i’ve planned for the future only to be reminded that all i have is this single moment. i’ve gotten stuck in the moment and have had to learn how to keep going so that the future isn’t lost in it.
i still fear loss. i still hate disappointment. what’s worse is i’ve realized how arrogant i once was to think i had it all figured out when it came to what was right, what was wrong and my future. mystery is ok. at this very moment, i really couldn’t honestly tell you what i want minus netflix, my cat (i especially want him to stop chewing on my computer’s cord right now) and a beer. and it’s nice to have people in my life who don’t judge me for that, who aren’t afraid of it. and it’s nice that i no longer judge myself for it, either.
the underlying theme though it all is grace. i’m ok with being right, and i’m ok with being wrong. i’m even more ok with who i am even if you aren’t.
it’s what you decide to do when you aren’t that says a lot about who you are. and i don’t mean just towards me, but toward all others you encounter in life who may be going a different way than you.