in a season of redefining, all i know is that i don’t want to return to who i was, but living in the in-between is the scariest thing.
i think i was meant to be a bright, confident and hopeful creature…but then shit happened. and continues to happen. whether by my own allowance or the ways of the universe, the light inside me is constantly being challenged. on a bad day, it’s easy for me to ignore it; when i allow it to come out, though, it’s energy-infusing and impressive…but it’s draining. i feel like there’s a short within me somewhere that i can’t find to fix.
for me, it’s not enough to fake it – it never has been. that’s what pushed me out of the hell i was in all those years. i was tired of lying to myself. but “faking it til i make it” is the best advice people have for me right now. i can only hope that at the end of all this i come out more solid and shining and stronger – but there’s that damn word again…hope. as soon as i realized that hope and love weren’t enough to make a difference, that’s when everything started to change. they had been my world, they had been my guides…maybe even my idols. i came out of the worst and they offered the promises of the best…but when i was let down, despite being as pure in my intentions as i possibly could, that’s when i started to change. that’s how i ended up here.
i crave to be understood, but how can that happen when at this point – even i don’t understand me? how can i have the expectation of being desired or sought after when everything within me is in such a state of uncertainty? i thought i was standing on solid ground before, but as i’ve begun to change and as my foundations have crumbled and rearranged themselves, i question whether or not stability really exists. i question everything, now. my confidence is shattered. my desires and plans have been tossed up in the air and even i have no idea what they will look like when they come down. the ways i knew before would tell me i should know, that i shouldn’t be questioning, that i should just trust it for what it is. but blind trust isn’t good enough for me anymore. it’s time to be real.