f*ck you

i bet that got your attention, didn’t it? don’t worry though, it’s not directed towards you. it’s for me.

that’s what i hear in my head when i feel like i’ve screwed up.

i’ll bend over backwards for other people. i’ll extend grace to the point where it’s probably unhealthy. i’m forgiving, kind and self-sacrificing. i’ll pour my being into helping someone else, especially when i care about them. but if it’s me? oh, if you only heard my inner mantra. anytime i make a mistake or do something i think i shouldn’t, i abuse myself inwardly… it could be something totally ridiculous, like spilling my coffee. or something worse, like sin. or just making an honest mistake — the words i use, the thoughts i have…there’s so much anger drawn inwards it’s insane. i don’t like admitting this.

it’s not my voice i hear. it comes from the past. a past where i lived in fear, could never do anything right and was belittled and literally beaten for my mistakes. i am so damn sick of the past. i am so sick of things coming up, especially when i’m weak with the struggles of life already. i know i speak for a lot of people in recovery when i say, when will it all be over? i have been begging God for something good to happen. i mean, genuinely. i am so sick of finding the silver linings in all these friggin storm clouds. just something real and good that i can embrace, trust and believe in.

there are very few people out there who can understand. i mean, really understand. honestly, unless you’re in my head or have been through the uglier side of life, you can’t. and what’s more, there’s even fewer who are willing to try to get in…granted, i don’t make it easy. and there is nothing worse than being hurt by others, because on top of that is me tormenting myself because i feel so foolish and ignorant for trusting. and now i expect to be hurt, i expect to be disappointed…almost because i feel like i deserve it. where is the grace for myself? where is the love and the patience that i have for others?

if you’ve ever read the scarlet letter, there’s a character in it that literally whips themselves because of guilt they have over something wrong they did. that’s me. except i can’t for the life of me figure out what the hell it is…so i make the most of every opportunity i fail.

i would never punish and torment anyone the way i do myself.

sara

hard to believe

you know, it’s hard for me to believe someone when they call me beautiful…and it’s all because the wrong person used to tell me the same thing.

but i am worth pursuing. i am worth being fought for. i am beautiful, and not because of what anyone says or doesn’t say or does or doesn’t do. it’s who i am. He made me. He put me back together. it’s been nearly six years of it now…

it’s easier said than done, but it’s about damn time i start believing that about myself.

TOWANDA!

sara

my letter to the younger me

hello, sweet girl.

you’re going to be ok. there is an end to this hell. there is hope. yes, that’s right: you can believe things will change. you can believe things will get better…because they will. oh, how they will.

i know it’s hard. hope is such a foreign concept to you. you don’t know what it means to feel safe or to know that you are genuinely loved.  that guilt weighing you down right now isn’t yours to carry. that hatred you have – that hatred that is eating you alive – is holding you back from the change you so desperately desire. but you can’t see that. how can you? change will come, dear one…it will come.

you are going to make a difference. you are going to pursue and accomplish things people told you would never could. you will learn how to trust again. not to say that you won’t feel hurt. you will get disappointed. you will feel so hopeless that you will want to die, even when there is so much to live for. but just know there is hope. there is always hope. in your mistakes, in your disappointments, in every breath…there is hope.

i know you feel dirty. but you are pure. it’s not your fault. i see your despair. i see your attempts to end it, but there is always something holding you back…that’s me. i’m here because something deep down inside you wasn’t going to let you give up. you couldn’t understand it then, but i’m telling you now that there is a reason for all this.

there is still a lot that even i don’t know, a lot that i wish i could tell you. you will be told COUNTLESS times that God knows the desires of your heart. and He does. He knows what is best for you. you’re going to let go of the idea of that hero that is going to come and whisk you away and make you feel better…because it’s not going to happen. i know it’s helping you survive right now, but you will learn how to stand on your own two feet. you are going to spend a lot of time figuring out who you are. you’re going to have to be brave on your own. you’re going to have to fight. i know you want to be carried, but you are going to have to open your mind to the prospect of having to do some carrying yourself. there’s a lot of emotions you are going to have to learn how to be comfortable feeling.

but it’s going to be ok. things are going to change. you are stronger than you know, sara. while all you are experiencing right now has you feeling trapped, know that there will be a day where you will look back and question whether or not it was even real. but you will always know because of the scars i still feel. because of the nightmares i still have. and when you just want to be held.

but it is all for something. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. one day, you will find yourself standing on top of a mountain and realize that i exist.

yes, i exist now.

and you are a part of me. a beautiful part of me. you are the part that makes everything i think, see and feel now so much more valuable, so much more precious. you are precious. you are worth knowing. you are going to make a difference with your life you won’t be able to fully know or measure. you will learn how to love. and, yes, we are still holding out hope that you will fall in love…and you will know what it feels like to have someone fall in love with you. it will be beautiful, dear one. because you are special, you have so much to give. you are worth being invested in.

until then, though, He will be your everything. you will come to know Him in that way you thought was impossible for you. you will learn how to value the ordinary. you will see the profound in the simple. you will find beauty when there is none. you will change for the better; in every moment of every day, He will show you how to live. to live the way you’ve always wanted…and so much more. i know you’re scared. i know you’re lonely. i know you don’t believe me. but i’m that little voice inside you in that moment you want to give up. it is going to change.

from the future you

p.s. you will forgive them.