2012

my little blog is just a drop in the ocean, and i can only wonder why anyone (outside of the people i know) would read it. even still, whatever the reasons, here’s the top 5 posts of 2012:

TOP 5:

5. fall into the sky

the lesson i learned from the sky. a personal favorite.

4. what i’ve lost along the way

my inner conflict with reality and so-called dreams.

3. why i hated going home

(or, “why i walked out of the hunger games”) this post was difficult for me to write; in which i share about the violence/physical abuse of my childhood.

2. how i was disillusioned by “christian” books

how being a purpose-driven, jabez-praying, will-seeking christian did me more harm than good.

1. if this season were a song

bebo kindly retweeted this post, which is probably why it took the top spot. even still, well-written lyrics move me in a way that few other things can. what’s your song right now?

UNDERDOG:

the music’s gone

this post received the least amount of views. have you ever had a passion, something you KNEW was a calling…but closed doors and the passing of time made you indifferent and even numb to it?

MY FAV:

things kids have taught me

in which i try and list everything i’ve learned from kids. the operative word being “try.”

2012 HIGHLIGHTS:

  • i started the blog

on march 17 i introduced myself, and explained the idea behind love twisted and love defined. admittedly, i also have a bit of a word addiction.

  • i talked about the abuse

to be able to understand me, you have to know where i come from. i’m all dysfunction. : )

  • i churchhopped

  “there are differences – no doubt about that, but the core is Christ and His word and people in a relationship with Him that is always growing and reflecting Who He is. His body isn’t defined or restricted by a denomination or a building. it’s His people, living day to day in obedience to Him. pursuing Him, loving Him, and loving people with the love He has poured into us.” -from what churchhopping has taught me

i am always willing to keep my heart open. we are the body of Christ, after all.

  • i got annoyed

more so with christians than anyone. the cliches. the bandwagons. the prudishness.

SO…WHAT’S NEXT?

i really don’t want to commit to anything. no resolutions. i write about whatever i want to write about for someone to either read or not read. but i do want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this blog o’ mine (mostly my friends and relatives). keep it up so i can pretend like i have a huge following.

sara

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it was three years ago today…

…i woke up with no desire to live anymore.

wild, huh?

it hit me only just yesterday. i’ve been carrying around an odd, heavy feeling in my heart these past few days, and i had no idea why until last night. i had burst into tears, my core aching as i strained for the words to pray. my tears did most of the talking, as is typical. i prayed for someone who has claimed a place in my heart these past three years. he has no idea, and i myself can’t understand why, but i called out his name to my Abba nonetheless. it all ties together in some way, i’m sure…

and it was as i started to write in my journal that i glanced back at the date and realized…

that it was three years ago, today. today.

some coincidence, huh? (no, i don’t believe in those, really.)

i was laying flat on my back on that saturday morning, staring at the clock, wondering what the point of getting up was. no one would care. no one would miss me. i would never escape the abuse, the control, the lies.  i hated what i had become. i had reached despair. i was without hope. i was done. everything within me started to implode.

but out of nowhere in my mind, i heard a voice singing a song, and it led me to His promise. and for the first time, i believed it. i truly believed it:

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. ‘I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.’” (jeremiah 29:11-14, nlt)

oh, how those words resonated within me. how they ignited spark that has never died away. Lord, thank You, thank You, for Your precious, precious word. how it has changed everything…

and thank You for him. thank You for the one You spoke through – and have continued to use – to draw me nearer to You. as long as You place him upon my heart, i will lift him up to You. even though i don’t understand why. i will obey.

(my, how things have changed.)

sara

dear reader, thank you for returning to this altar with me.

now go to your altar and praise Him for the promises He has given you, for all the beautiful things He has done.

altars

i have a word addiction. always have, and always will.  books, articles, lyrics…i love to unpack the meaning behind a writer’s words.

so imagine my wonder when i discovered strong’s concordance. </nerdiness>

one day, i was reading my preschool crew the story of jacob’s ladder. after his vision was over, he erected a pillar. the idea and the symbolism intrigued me, which led me to a word study of altar (the strong’s number is H4196, for those who are cool like that).

some were a place of sacrifice (genesis 8:20, 22:9). some were raised in memorial (genesis 12:7, 13:18, 33:20). they were a place to call upon God (genesis 12:8).  a place to return. to remember. some even had a name.

i have quite a few of those places in my life. altars built with pieces of my broken heart: built so i could lay something down and watch through tearful eyes as it burned; altars in those unexpected moments of romance, when God does something that makes my heart skip a beat; altars built on painful memories of the past to remind me that i wasn’t alone. in each one, i am brought to know who He is in a deeper way. anytime i call out His name, i have erected an altar.

i wonder if abraham ever returned to the altar he almost sacrificed issac on? i imagine his response as he recalled it to mind. as he relived those emotions leading right up until he lay down his son. as he raised his knife, knowing that God’s promises are real. real enough that he believed God would raise his son from the dead (hebrews 11:17-19). it was an altar to remind abraham of God’s faithfulness.  how He provided a ram in replacement of his son: the son of God’s promise. imagine how abraham’s heart must have flooded with thanks and praise and love every time he returned to that place…he knew the word of God was Truth.

i call this blog an altar for all these reasons. every time i look back, every time i reflect…i am either returning to an altar i’ve raised up, or have found opportunity to erect a new one. all for His glory.

it’s a scared opportunity.

sara

do you have any altars?