i swear, if someone tells me “He knows the desires of your heart” one more friggin’ time…

if you knew how difficult something worth having was going to be to obtain, would you still be willing to go after it?

right now, i feel like i’ve sacrificed so much time and emotion over people and ideals that never worked out; and as a result, i have become so afraid of being alone. i know people would say it’s ridiculous at my age to think like that, but there’s a good portion of my life i can never get back. it’s only within these last few years i feel like i’ve begun to live, and time just seems to go by faster. i feel like i’m losing my worth.

but back to my initial question…

i climbed a mountain recently that nearly made me want to fall on my butt on several occasions and weep uncontrollably when i saw what lay ahead. at times, i didn’t give a rip for the view that was at the top. as beautiful as i could imagine it to be wasn’t motivation enough to get up.

my personality typically demands directness. the sharp knife cuts the quickest, hurts the least. if there is hurt to be had or a difficult lesson to be learned or a heartbreak to be endured, just let me get it over with…but if i can’t demand it or just won’t for whatever reason, that’s when stuff get ugly. i plop down, curl up and torment myself with the anticipation. i question if anything is even worth having or pursuing and if i should just “be content” where i am. 

and time after time, just when i think  the inclines are over, then comes another.

for me, ideals are really hard to let go of. i feel empty without them. and afraid. and alone. my imagination is my best friend and my worst enemy. night was always the time for creativity…but now I dread it. my determination has taken one hell of a beating.

i’ve been here before so many times, it seems. i don’t like drifting any more than feeling like i’m stuck in a rut. i want to latch on to something, and feel like i’m worth being latched to. i’ve written down the same kind of thoughts in different entries over the span of five years…and it seems like i still have no better way of “dealing.” i just let the time go by and hope for the best.

so here i sit, looking up at that steep, rocky incline. eyes filling with tears. hearing the argument in the back of my mind to either “suck it up” or “give it up” and wondering what exactly is all this all for, anyway. what’s up there that’s so damn worth all this?

time will tell, i suppose…but i can never trust it to tell me anything because it’s always in such a flippin’ hurry.



there’s something to be said about “that” moment. that moment you jump the line with your eyes squeezed shut…and slowly open them to find yourself still alive. the ground didn’t swallow you up. no lightening struck you down from the sky. instead, you find yourself in this whole new world, and wonder what had kept you from taking that leap in the first place.

usually it’s me. i’ve put those lines in place, and sometimes i can’t even remember why. quite honestly, it’s been an interesting life phase. when once i clung so tightly to tradition and how things were “supposed to be done,” i have now become the one who questions everything. i’m that annoying child that is constantly asking “why?”

and as i’ve crossed those lines, i’ve discovered something…

not guilt. not regret. not fear.

but freedom.

they were in place because i needed them: to keep me focused, or keep me safe…or — even though i didn’t see it at first — to challenge me to grow. to challenge me to question them, and to make that jump. sometimes they were my friend, sometimes they were my enemy…but they had their time. and i am who i am thanks to them.


question everything.

my first mission trip (a confession)

it was one of the worst experiences i’ve ever had.

it’s one of those things i’ve looked back on and wondered why on earth it even happened.

i really can’t say what motivated me to do it… i had people encouraging me and supporting me, telling me it was something i should do (being a christian and all). so i did it. and everything seemed to go wrong for me…naturally. i came in last minute. getting my passport was a freakin’ nightmare. every step of the way i debated whether it was even a good idea. but everyone kept saying, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out! have faith!”

so, somehow i ended up on that plane, headed out of the country with a group of people i didn’t know. i was terrified. i felt like didn’t belong there. i was easily overlooked, which didn’t matter, because i really didn’t care to bring attention to myself.  the whole time there i kept asking myself, why am i here?  i was eager to serve, eager to help, eager to find some purpose…but instead, i was fearful, timid and waaay out of my comfort zone. i silently excused myself from dinner one night to go cry in the bathroom. everyone else seemed normal. they knew what they were doing there. they were personable and charismatic. but not me. i didn’t know how, and didn’t really care to be. here i was, lonely and depressed…and i kicked myself for it. how dare i be so selfish amidst all this? my focus needed to be on others, not myself. i was seeing people hopeful in the midst of their circumstances… but that didn’t lessen my pain any. i was still hurting, still healing.

i arrived home, parting ways with a group of people i still really didn’t know. and i was glad it was over.

back then,  i was an absolute emotional mess. if i wasn’t busy building or cleaning or sleeping or working, i was left to my own thoughts. the trip couldn’t mask all my issues…maybe i thought i could leave them all behind and magically become this new person because of the experience. but i didn’t. the only things it succeeded in doing was heighten my insecurities, and show me that i still had a long way to go…and i didn’t really like that.

not much has changed.

i’d like to think i’ve matured a bit, but i still drive myself crazy. i’ve got journals full of my thoughts and emotions, and i’ve reached a point where i’ve got nothing left. i’m just saying the same things over and over. i’ve gotten tired of sitting on my own and rehashing feelings, so i try and keep busy. i feel guilty if i’m just lounging around. no matter what i’m doing, i feel like i could be doing something more.

i know what He says. i know what i’ve learned.i know i can’t hide for long. i know it will all catch up with me. i have this ball of anticipation inside of me that i’m trying to squelch…

i’m tired. all i know is that i’m tired.