my little blog is just a drop in the ocean, and i can only wonder why anyone (outside of the people i know) would read it. even still, whatever the reasons, here’s the top 5 posts of 2012:

TOP 5:

5. fall into the sky

the lesson i learned from the sky. a personal favorite.

4. what i’ve lost along the way

my inner conflict with reality and so-called dreams.

3. why i hated going home

(or, “why i walked out of the hunger games”) this post was difficult for me to write; in which i share about the violence/physical abuse of my childhood.

2. how i was disillusioned by “christian” books

how being a purpose-driven, jabez-praying, will-seeking christian did me more harm than good.

1. if this season were a song

bebo kindly retweeted this post, which is probably why it took the top spot. even still, well-written lyrics move me in a way that few other things can. what’s your song right now?


the music’s gone

this post received the least amount of views. have you ever had a passion, something you KNEW was a calling…but closed doors and the passing of time made you indifferent and even numb to it?


things kids have taught me

in which i try and list everything i’ve learned from kids. the operative word being “try.”


  • i started the blog

on march 17 i introduced myself, and explained the idea behind love twisted and love defined. admittedly, i also have a bit of a word addiction.

  • i talked about the abuse

to be able to understand me, you have to know where i come from. i’m all dysfunction. : )

  • i churchhopped

  “there are differences – no doubt about that, but the core is Christ and His word and people in a relationship with Him that is always growing and reflecting Who He is. His body isn’t defined or restricted by a denomination or a building. it’s His people, living day to day in obedience to Him. pursuing Him, loving Him, and loving people with the love He has poured into us.” -from what churchhopping has taught me

i am always willing to keep my heart open. we are the body of Christ, after all.

  • i got annoyed

more so with christians than anyone. the cliches. the bandwagons. the prudishness.


i really don’t want to commit to anything. no resolutions. i write about whatever i want to write about for someone to either read or not read. but i do want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this blog o’ mine (mostly my friends and relatives). keep it up so i can pretend like i have a huge following.


what churchhopping has taught me

i think it came down to a curiosity…and a desire to step out of the box a bit. to not focus so much on the differences, but to remind myself of the bigger picture: that the church – the Body of Christ – is united.

there are differences – no doubt about that, but the core is Christ and His word and people in a relationship with Him that is always growing and reflecting Who He is. His body isn’t defined or restricted by a denomination or a building. it’s His people, living day to day in obedience to Him. pursuing Him, loving Him, and loving people with the love He has poured into us.

it has been freeing, in a way. i love the family of believers i have come to know. those who loved me. people who went out of their way to reach out to me…complete strangers. through them, i have known the love of God. when i left the abuse and dysfunction and entered into the unknown, i had no idea what the next step was. coming from a life of isolation, i didn’t know anyone apart from the people i worked with. i experienced homelessness in the few minutes it took from leaving the house with a car full of my stuff to going to work and having one of my co-workers open her home to me. she obeyed the commands of Christ. she let a stranger in. and i will forever be thankful to her, even though i hardly see her anymore…

growing up, we never got too involved in a church. after i left, i remained in the church my abuser attended (it’s big). my motive was to pretty much do everything opposite of what my abuser would do, so i searched for a group. i happened upon a class of strangers, a mix of young and old. each face, each name means something to me. they all left a mark. each touched my heart and life in a profound and beautiful way…and all orchestrated by God’s sovereign hand.

going through a recovery program facilitated by the church introduced me to other beautiful, broken people that loved me despite all that i was and went through. i wasn’t alone. God loves us just as we are. we have the lifetime He has given us to grow and heal – and that is such a precious gift. all the pain, the hurt, all those ugly things hidden in the dark – Christ has helped to pull them out into the light and turned them into expressions of His glory.

in my struggle to “figure out” love, in begging God to show me and to help me understand, it was through these people that it became real. who was i to them? no one ever reached out to me in that way. no one ever took the time to listen to me, to teach and mentor me, in the way they did. through them, i developed a love of the study of His word – a desire to know Him, something i had never known before.

they showed me what God intends for His Body of believers to be. we are a unit, a family…even though we all can’t know each other on this side of eternity, our heartstrings are tying us together.

i will continue to stretch out, to reach out to as many of my brothers and sisters that i can. in any way i can.


i love you all. you know who you are.

the cheapness of christianese

i’ve recently learned that there’s this ideology that once you join a denomination, you’re supposed to be committed to them forever.

call me uncommitted or disloyal or whatever, but i can’t help myself. there’s a much broader perspective that i want to take. the body of Christ is universal. while we share different characteristics when it comes to culture and race, at our hearts we are children of God. i am committed to God, not a denomination. i want to love His people everywhere, for all their differences. we are a family.

many a time have i come to question things i once thought were “christian” (and this more lately than ever): things that were taught to me, passed from person to person because no one thought to actually read the Bible for what it says, rather than for what we want it to say. tradition has too easily trumped truth. all those cheap, “christian” cliches are so much easier to accept than the actual truth of God’s word. i am trying so hard to break myself from it. the lies of spiritual abuses have a way of tangling themselves within the roots of everything i am. when i yank them out, i feel like i’m tearing away a part of myself. they are so hard to identify sometimes.

i will never agree with every doctrine or interpretation of any denomination, but i’m having to train myself into not letting that separate me from other children of God. still, at the same time, i feel so distant from so many who call themselves Christians. i have a hard time understanding why they can’t think for themselves. how they so easily fall into fads and are so bigoted and argumentative. too often do i have to bite my tongue and look at myself before i criticize.

who am i to judge? i will never know it all. i will never be always right. but i will never stop growing, i will never stop seeking. what i think is right today, may end up being wrong tomorrow. and that’s ok! it’s ok to be wrong about spiritual things. what  i’ve learned is that i must be open to the changes God wants to make in me, even as it conflicts with my so-called identity.

i don’t know what i hope to take away from my little experiment, but i wondered at why i felt a bit of freedom and refreshment when i decided to take a step out of the box…


seek for yourself.