my letter to the younger me

hello, sweet girl.

you’re going to be ok. there is an end to this hell. there is hope. yes, that’s right: you can believe things will change. you can believe things will get better…because they will. oh, how they will.

i know it’s hard. hope is such a foreign concept to you. you don’t know what it means to feel safe or to know that you are genuinely loved.  that guilt weighing you down right now isn’t yours to carry. that hatred you have – that hatred that is eating you alive – is holding you back from the change you so desperately desire. but you can’t see that. how can you? change will come, dear one…it will come.

you are going to make a difference. you are going to pursue and accomplish things people told you would never could. you will learn how to trust again. not to say that you won’t feel hurt. you will get disappointed. you will feel so hopeless that you will want to die, even when there is so much to live for. but just know there is hope. there is always hope. in your mistakes, in your disappointments, in every breath…there is hope.

i know you feel dirty. but you are pure. it’s not your fault. i see your despair. i see your attempts to end it, but there is always something holding you back…that’s me. i’m here because something deep down inside you wasn’t going to let you give up. you couldn’t understand it then, but i’m telling you now that there is a reason for all this.

there is still a lot that even i don’t know, a lot that i wish i could tell you. you will be told COUNTLESS times that God knows the desires of your heart. and He does. He knows what is best for you. you’re going to let go of the idea of that hero that is going to come and whisk you away and make you feel better…because it’s not going to happen. i know it’s helping you survive right now, but you will learn how to stand on your own two feet. you are going to spend a lot of time figuring out who you are. you’re going to have to be brave on your own. you’re going to have to fight. i know you want to be carried, but you are going to have to open your mind to the prospect of having to do some carrying yourself. there’s a lot of emotions you are going to have to learn how to be comfortable feeling.

but it’s going to be ok. things are going to change. you are stronger than you know, sara. while all you are experiencing right now has you feeling trapped, know that there will be a day where you will look back and question whether or not it was even real. but you will always know because of the scars i still feel. because of the nightmares i still have. and when you just want to be held.

but it is all for something. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. one day, you will find yourself standing on top of a mountain and realize that i exist.

yes, i exist now.

and you are a part of me. a beautiful part of me. you are the part that makes everything i think, see and feel now so much more valuable, so much more precious. you are precious. you are worth knowing. you are going to make a difference with your life you won’t be able to fully know or measure. you will learn how to love. and, yes, we are still holding out hope that you will fall in love…and you will know what it feels like to have someone fall in love with you. it will be beautiful, dear one. because you are special, you have so much to give. you are worth being invested in.

until then, though, He will be your everything. you will come to know Him in that way you thought was impossible for you. you will learn how to value the ordinary. you will see the profound in the simple. you will find beauty when there is none. you will change for the better; in every moment of every day, He will show you how to live. to live the way you’ve always wanted…and so much more. i know you’re scared. i know you’re lonely. i know you don’t believe me. but i’m that little voice inside you in that moment you want to give up. it is going to change.

from the future you

p.s. you will forgive them.

look down to no one

the blog’s title comes from the line of the movie, Ever After.

“Cinderella” is dressing above her station in order to release a friend who had been sold by her stepmother into slavery. as Cinderella prepares, her friend coaches her: “If you’re going to be a noblewoman, you must play the part,” and he adds, “look down to no one.

if i have learned anything this year it’s how to play that part.

as i consider what it might mean to view others from His perspective, it truly simplify things. He sees humanity. He died for all, whether all believe it or not. He loves all, whether all know it or not.  no one is above the other. no “sinner” worse than another. no “saint” better than another. He loves us all perfectly and completely. He loves me. He loves those who have hurt me. He loves you. perfectly and completely.

while so many of us worry about perception and what others think about us, here was how most people perceived Christ while he was on earth:

The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, ‘Behold, a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’

(matthew 11:19, nasb)

they saw Jesus, God on earth, as a drunk, as a glutton, as someone who was a friend of all those people. but did He stop eating with them? no. drinking with them? no. and yet He never once compromised. He never once stopped being Who He is. it almost seems that He preferred the company of those that “christians” these days often hide from and picket against.

i am a broken person. we all are. while some of us may be a little farther in our journey than others, it is important to remember that we are all on even ground. not above or below. no matter what you may have done or had done to you. the sooner we stop measuring people by their pasts or lifestyles or statuses, and see them as someone He has placed on earth for us to be Jesus to, the better we can find our selves to be. it’s not about believing you can change anyone. you can’t. it’s about knowing Him. and you’ll find a profound change take place in you and your perspective that you didn’t expect.

i know that as long as i’m alive, there is opportunity to learn and grow. even when i fail or relapse or screw up, there is always hope – always another chance – just so long as i’m breathing. when you let go of traditions, of “DOs” and “DON’Ts”, when you start pursuing Him in the way He is meant to be pursued – not by threats or guilt, but by grace…that is when you start to know Him. that is when you start to truly understand the value of ALL life.

sara

 be the change you wish to see in the world. -ghandi

lines

there’s something to be said about “that” moment. that moment you jump the line with your eyes squeezed shut…and slowly open them to find yourself still alive. the ground didn’t swallow you up. no lightening struck you down from the sky. instead, you find yourself in this whole new world, and wonder what had kept you from taking that leap in the first place.

usually it’s me. i’ve put those lines in place, and sometimes i can’t even remember why. quite honestly, it’s been an interesting life phase. when once i clung so tightly to tradition and how things were “supposed to be done,” i have now become the one who questions everything. i’m that annoying child that is constantly asking “why?”

and as i’ve crossed those lines, i’ve discovered something…

not guilt. not regret. not fear.

but freedom.

they were in place because i needed them: to keep me focused, or keep me safe…or — even though i didn’t see it at first — to challenge me to grow. to challenge me to question them, and to make that jump. sometimes they were my friend, sometimes they were my enemy…but they had their time. and i am who i am thanks to them.

sara

question everything.