the struggle is real

bear one another’s burdens.

but how much, and for how long?

when do you stop thinking about them to think about yourself?

when does it become “unhealthy?”

when does love need to become “tough?”or is that even supposed to be a thing among us?

we’re just given the general guidelines. love one another. love yourself. turn your cheek. forgive your enemies. go the extra, thankless mile. be kind, patient, humble and gracious. be like Him. be living, breathing sacrifices every day. but then here we are, in a world full of wounded, broken people. and here i am…trying to find the balance between opinions, emotions, circumstances and Truth.

i’ve spent the last few years pushing myself through recovery, trying to make sense of life and love after having been subjected to so much perverseness and cruelty. here i am, having had to learn how to take care of and love myself, having had to erect boundaries and make sure i’m not letting other’s define my happiness and who i am.  lately, though, it’s harder to draw that line. harder to see those boundaries. this past year, i’ve seen people i care about hurt and struggle beyond my capacity or understanding to help them. i have felt so helpless. i’ve been deeply depressed. i’m continuously frustrated. i’ve thought myself foolish and a naive. sometimes i’ve known how to respond, but that hasn’t always made it any easier to act. other times, i haven’t known the answer and just tried acting on what i knew, and later wondered if i just made everything worse (those damn “good intentions”). but in every case, i have sincerely tried to live up to His command to love, to be understanding, to hope against hope and believe He will make a difference…

the thing is, i’m left here at the end of it all, wondering if my understanding of everything i’ve felt He has taught me these last few years has been right. because now, given the chance to apply it, and looking back…i don’t know. i carry this heaviness in my chest now….how ironic is that? right over the heart.

i have to learn the hard way. that much i know about myself. and love is hard. and that’s ok. but the struggle…it’s real, folks. it’s very real.


trying to figure it out

i love the uniqueness of all our journeys. i look at my own, and almost can’t believe all that’s changed these past few years. i’m one of “those people” who journals almost everyday (used to be every day and multiple entries, but now i’m less intense). i’ve never been so committed to something for so long and kept it up so faithfully.

i look back on entries every now and then. i am thankful for such an opportunity. i can go back to those little altars of notebook paper and see what i’ve been through. i have the opportunity to laugh at myself, mostly: cringing at all those ridiculous ideals i had, shaking my head at my emotional/super-spiritual monologues…still, it’s thanks to having them that i can witness the growth. i can look back on things i had forgotten and thank Him all over again for who He is and what He has done.

but i have such a long way to go. i keep getting bogged down by all these different ideas and ways of living and looking at the “Christian” life. i appreciate how it gets me re-looking at some things, but i have such a fear of being drawn into something that’s a lie. i grew up being told lies and falling into chains of thinking because it was easier than doing it for myself. i’m overly cautious now. probably too cautious, and maybe even a bit pious. there’s some messages i’m just tired of hearing. there’s some christian music i’m sick of listening to. there’s christian books that create a parade of bandwagons. denominations that are all about doing this and that, but their love has grown cold. sometimes i wish i could drive it all away and live on the simplicity of how He intended it. there’s too much noise, too many “movements.”

i try and be as simple as i can, but sometimes i have to catch myself from falling into something.  i’ve learned a lot of hard lessons, and its thanks to them that i’ve gotten a little better with how to discern things and not be so fleeting. but i know that what i know now isn’t a whole heck of a lot, and i’m always wondering if what i claim to  “know” is even right. my journal entries aren’t even what they used to be. i don’t seem to have a lot to say anymore.

every now and again you get hit with a little something that makes you question everything. something that brings you back to earth.

i suppose i should quit trying to figure everything out and just do.


what do you “know”?