what would i write about if i knew nobody i knew would read it?

honestly, i’ve found myself holding back lately out of fear of what others might think, or the questions i might get asked afterward.

so, here it goes…

  • i wish i was completely over my insecurities, but i’m not. i like to play like i couldn’t care less about what others think, but i’m still a little girl who’s had to grown up really fast these last few years. who sees her life steadily speeding up when she’s only begun to live it. i had to start out from scratch, and figure things out. it’s not fair. i had no control of the first part of my life and all that happened, and not to say that i have any at present, but still…
  • let’s be a girl for a second and talk about the opposite sex. i have no idea what i’m doing. i am so self-conscious. i am over-analytical and, yes – i drive myself crazy wondering what they think. maybe it’s because i didn’t experience it in high school – having crushes and dealing with disappointment early on – that it impacts me so much now. like i said, i’ve only begun to live a somewhat normal life in the past few years.  i am a hopeless romantic, but i feel like i’ve buried it. it was so easy to believe in romance a few years ago when the world was new, but i’ve hardened myself. i’ve built an ideal and hidden myself behind it…and it’s been easy to do for a while because i didn’t come across anyone who tempted me enough to challenge it. but it’s been happening…and i have no idea how to respond. i like it, but then i don’t. and i have no idea what to do.  i don’t want to care about how i look, i don’t want to over-think things, i don’t want to fall prey to my imagination…i want to keep to myself because it’s safe, and won’t hurt so much.  i will probably take a lot of effort, and that’s more than i ever expect another to give me. oh, but i have so much i want to give. and yes, so much that i want. i had the thought that if i were to marry someone, he would be the one constant in my life. friends will come and go. kids will grow up and leave. but he is stuck with me…and i with him.  the rest of our lives could be a very long time. yes, there will be happy times, but there will be ugly, too. getting old. and fighting. and getting sick of each other. and there is no walking away from it. is there someone out there willing to do that with me? heck, can i see myself doing that with anyone? it’s a frightening thought…but if it does happen, well, He’ll have showed me.
  • i am so tired of scrambling to hold things together that are going to change. it’s going to happen. i get so angry at myself for being upset about it, and for taking it out on those closest to me. i’m jealous, too. jealous for what i don’t have. i hate admitting it, and i don’t want to hear all the carbon, super-spiritual responses. i’m sick of them…especially coming from those who have what i want.
  • the church angers me SO much. not the Body of Christ, but the institution. that place you go to every sunday. where is the unity? why do churches have “policies?” why do we cheer when the church stands up for its “rights” to keep the sinners out? why do i see so many empires being built, but nothing around it being changed at all? does anyone think for themselves anymore? why does unity seem like a frightening and almost impossible concept to so many? it’s gone so far from that picture in Acts. people have retreated into a “Christian” bubble…begging others to come in, rather than going out there and being the light we’re supposed to be. i mean, consider Christ. He’s our example, after all, and here was the people’s conception of Him:

“The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” (luke 7:34, niv)

there was no pleasing people, even then. or ever. that was their perception, but He went right on tending to those who needed Him…not those who were clinging to traditions and living a life of sitting, soaking and souring. Christ touched the untouchable. He broke bread with those the religious ones would of picketed against. keep reading that chapter of luke. He spoke truth, not propaganda. He didn’t jump on the bandwagons.  He was obedient to His Father’s will, and He – ladies and gentleman – is our example.

i have failed in so many ways, and i haven’t got it all figured out. i imagine i’ll tick a lot of people off, and i can’t even fluently explain why i think the way i do on a lot of things, but all i know is i want to be like HIM. i want to love and live like He did…and maybe someday i’ll get it right.

regardless of what we’ve managed to screw up, He always rises out of the dysfunction. i am so thankful for His people…for those i’ve met within the “church,” and those i know outside of  it.

  • you know i’m recording my lyrics now. i’m fulfilling a dream i didn’t even dare to have…and i have no idea what to look forward to. life has become so busy that i hardly have time to sit and think about it. up until now, no one ever told me i could sing. but i am. i’m being told i can. a part of me sometimes wonders if i’m being lied to. it’s so strange hearing myself do something i was told i couldn’t do. and i have no idea what i’m going to do with it once it’s all said and done…i can’t even allow myself to imagine it. i’m afraid i’ll just shelf it and move on. i’m afraid it’ll grow into something i least expect. what am i doing?

there. that felt better now, didn’t it? think i’ve given everyone enough to chew on.

well, that’s the extent of my vulnerability for now. sometimes i wonder why i expect myself to be so overly-transparent all the time. one day, maybe, i’ll draw the line somewhere.



what do you see in me?

a few weeks ago, i went to church and took a seat in my sunday school class. i was exceptionally tired that morning and had some things on my mind, but once the lesson was completed, i went through the motions of social civility and engaged in conversation with those beside me. an older gentleman at my table, suddenly remarked to me, “that’s the first time I’ve seen you smile since you came in here!”

i was a bit taken aback by his comment (even though i should be used to it by now,) but went on to explain that i was tired, and wasn’t really conscious of the fact, but i assured him i was fine.

usually it stops there; but for some reason, he felt the need to go a little farther. “you need to smile more! that way people know you have the joy of the Lord! if you don’t, how else would they know?”

well, guess i missed that memo…

i proceeded to tell him – with all the composure i could muster – that i always have the joy of the Lord, but it generally resides down in my heart.  while he remained to be convinced that happiness and joy was tied together, i told him that i wasn’t given to deceit, and wasn’t going to paste a smile on my face just for show.

maybe people expect that, especially when you walk through those doors on sunday morning. for some reason, it’s not safe to be vulnerable or honest. we have to put a show on for people…regardless of the fact that we’re never promised an easy road, that this world is full of evil, that we’ll be faced with daily heartache and hurt.  for some reason, people have mixed up their definition of things. yes, there is a time and a place for things, but i would rather people see me being honest rather than fake. christians shouldn’t be deceptive in any way, shape or form. the world knows life isn’t easy, so why do some people pretend? why am i even having to explain myself?

more and more i’m becoming indifferent to what others think of me. i’m tired of being judged. tired of wondering if people are willing and capable enough to try and look past what may (or may not) be on the surface and see me for who i am. there are few people i know who seem to appreciate me for who i am, for what i am, and it’s those people i want to draw closer to…and that’s who i want to be. i want to see past the surface in people and appreciate who they are. i want to know them, just as i want people to know me. it takes effort, and i’m trying. i am what i am.

in the end, i know He knows me, and that’s all that matters to me, truly. that’s where my value is.


if you’re curious, here’s how the conversation concluded:

“so, you’re not a morning person, then?” he asked.


no i’m not.”


what churchhopping has taught me

i think it came down to a curiosity…and a desire to step out of the box a bit. to not focus so much on the differences, but to remind myself of the bigger picture: that the church – the Body of Christ – is united.

there are differences – no doubt about that, but the core is Christ and His word and people in a relationship with Him that is always growing and reflecting Who He is. His body isn’t defined or restricted by a denomination or a building. it’s His people, living day to day in obedience to Him. pursuing Him, loving Him, and loving people with the love He has poured into us.

it has been freeing, in a way. i love the family of believers i have come to know. those who loved me. people who went out of their way to reach out to me…complete strangers. through them, i have known the love of God. when i left the abuse and dysfunction and entered into the unknown, i had no idea what the next step was. coming from a life of isolation, i didn’t know anyone apart from the people i worked with. i experienced homelessness in the few minutes it took from leaving the house with a car full of my stuff to going to work and having one of my co-workers open her home to me. she obeyed the commands of Christ. she let a stranger in. and i will forever be thankful to her, even though i hardly see her anymore…

growing up, we never got too involved in a church. after i left, i remained in the church my abuser attended (it’s big). my motive was to pretty much do everything opposite of what my abuser would do, so i searched for a group. i happened upon a class of strangers, a mix of young and old. each face, each name means something to me. they all left a mark. each touched my heart and life in a profound and beautiful way…and all orchestrated by God’s sovereign hand.

going through a recovery program facilitated by the church introduced me to other beautiful, broken people that loved me despite all that i was and went through. i wasn’t alone. God loves us just as we are. we have the lifetime He has given us to grow and heal – and that is such a precious gift. all the pain, the hurt, all those ugly things hidden in the dark – Christ has helped to pull them out into the light and turned them into expressions of His glory.

in my struggle to “figure out” love, in begging God to show me and to help me understand, it was through these people that it became real. who was i to them? no one ever reached out to me in that way. no one ever took the time to listen to me, to teach and mentor me, in the way they did. through them, i developed a love of the study of His word – a desire to know Him, something i had never known before.

they showed me what God intends for His Body of believers to be. we are a unit, a family…even though we all can’t know each other on this side of eternity, our heartstrings are tying us together.

i will continue to stretch out, to reach out to as many of my brothers and sisters that i can. in any way i can.


i love you all. you know who you are.