you get what you expect.
at least, that’s been my mentality. as hard as i’ve tried to work on it, i tend to always half-expect things to turn out the opposite of what i hope for. probably more than half, really. and usually…i’m right, because reality never fails to set in. so, i throw my hands up in the air and figure it’s just some lesson that i “have” to learn…whether it’s being content or dealing with disappointment or paying better attention to detail or whatever. and once more, i pick myself up and move on. again, and again, and again. it is what it is.
what happened to those glory years when i started all this? when anything seemed possible and my dreams were going to change the world? those years weren’t easy, oh nooo…but somehow, my perspective was a little more wide-eyed and full of lovely ideals.
but as i gained my independence, as i had to put things into practice and move forward, that’s when it all was, i don’t know…tainted, maybe? sometimes i feel cheated. it’s not like i had a rose-colored view of the world – oh, hells no. i know better than that. but reality. you have to fight for everything. time flies by faster every day. depression sucks the life out of you. heartbreak paralyzes you. you see others enjoying what you so desperately want, and you realize you are no where near closer to it than before. i just don’t want to care anymore sometimes.
i read this passage the other night:
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (matt 7:7-11, nasb)
i almost wanted to call bull on it, but i thought about how i always go into it expecting the rock. always looking for it, and feeling like that is what is always served to me in the outcome. sometimes i see myself just snatching a rock at His feet and running off to get the disappointment over with. i expected that from fathers, i suppose. asking for love and getting something else. wanting truth, but getting lies. looking for something to hope for, but always getting my dreams crushed. why even ask anymore?
i know God doesn’t work like that, but i found myself crying out for bread the other night. literally. i prayed for that bread…whatever that is. i want that different perspective…i want to always see the good. even when it hurts. even when it’s not the outcome i wanted.
oh to have that ability.