don’t go, indifference

these days, each morning introduces me to a whole new set of emotions. i never know what to expect. sometimes i welcome the change; other times, i would just much rather stay in bed. what determines the way our heart works at night as we sleep? i wish i knew. i don’t care for these kind of surprises, especially first thing in the morning.

lately, though, it’s been the coolness of indifference…and i am embracing it in all areas of my life. i don’t know if it’s right or wrong to rejoice in it, but i’ve waited so long to get to this point. i’ve felt so much…too much, really. and so now, to be able to breathe and not care, to not look back, to not cry and ache and wonder…i welcome it, i want it to stay.

still, there is that little gnaw.  that little bit of scraping that doesn’t want me to forget. it wants to hold on while i try so desperately to cast it all away for good, so i can run and never look back. it’s that one single string attached to my heart, the one i want to rip out and leave behind. i’m tugging at it, especially now, as indifference allows me. i’m entreating to myself, please let go. there’s no reason to hang on. with each passing day it should matter less and less. just. let. go.

(oh, how i long for that moment of release. that one last twinge of hurt that will free me from everything.)

it’s not that i want the passage of time or the fleeting of emotions to devalue the experiences that have helped to mold me. but these painful ones… these are the ones that manage to break through every barrier, lay waste to your defenses, and wound your very soul. i don’t know whether to to set up a shrine around it, or just replace the brokenness with walls that are even stronger.

sara

Advertisements

i’m not anyone’s savior

i should know that, but i think in my effort to care for others, i’ve lost sight of the boundaries.

really, i’m at an end right now. i am broken. i am so beyond broken. it’s gotten to where i don’t know what to do. or what to say. praying has become so hard. these past few months…they’ve done nothing but cause me to writhe, cry, scream and bleed. i hate the fact that i’ve had to draw on my past to save face and pretend i’m ok. i feel like such a liar. i often wondered if i was just dealing with it well, or just suppressing it all. well, i’ve collapsed. i surrender now. i raise my white flag. even though i try and save face and smile,  it’s hard as hell to keep breathing.

i want the grief to end. i want the time to pass so the losses won’t hurt so much. i want my year back…all the time i spent praying and caring and waiting for someone. someone who is gone. someone who will never know how i’ve been impacted by them. they will never know the pain i’m feeling right now. they will never hear the prayers i’ve prayed or measure the tears i’ve cried on their behalf. never. and i have to move on despite it. i have to pick up the pieces. why is this such a trend with me?

i’ve been trying to look forward, trying to gather up the courage to take on a new chapter, but lately, everything has been thrown at me to discourage it. why? why when i’ve had to fight so hard to get here is this happening now? i can’t help but feel the unfairness of it all. for all that i’ve had to endure in my life, for all the recovering i’ve had to do, why did i have to experience something like this? when all i wanted was something good and true and real? why are my hopes always dashed against the rocks? and why, like almost a cruel joke, does hope and the desire to love still linger?

at the center of all this is me, trying to figure out where to draw the lines. when once i had to struggle to care at all, now i have to figure out when to stop. when to step back. when to create a boundary so that i’m not brought somewhere i shouldn’t be. Your grace is boundless, Your love is endless, and i am your vessel…but i am only human. i want to save. i want to fix. i want to give the answers. but i can’t. because, really, they’ve never listened when i tried. and i’ve had to let go. and this letting go…it hurts like hell.

sara

rocks and snakes

you get what you expect.

at least, that’s been my mentality. as hard as i’ve tried to work on it, i tend to always half-expect things to turn out the opposite of what i hope for. probably more than half, really. and usually…i’m right, because reality never fails to set in. so, i throw my hands up in the air and figure it’s just some lesson that i “have” to learn…whether it’s being content or dealing with disappointment or paying better attention to detail or whatever. and once more, i pick myself up and move on. again, and again, and again. it is what it is.

what happened to those glory years when i started all this? when anything seemed possible and my dreams were going to change the world?  those years weren’t easy, oh nooo…but somehow, my perspective was a little more wide-eyed and full of lovely ideals.

but as i gained my independence, as i had to put things into practice and move forward, that’s when it all was, i don’t know…tainted, maybe? sometimes i feel cheated. it’s not like i had a rose-colored view of the world – oh, hells no. i know better than that. but reality. you have to fight for everything. time flies by faster every day. depression sucks the life out of you. heartbreak paralyzes you. you see others enjoying what you so desperately want, and you realize you are no where near closer to it than before. i just don’t want to care anymore sometimes.

i read this passage the other night:

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (matt 7:7-11, nasb)

i almost wanted to call bull on it, but i thought about how i always go into it expecting the rock. always looking for it, and feeling like that is what is always served to me in the outcome. sometimes i see myself just snatching a rock at His feet and running off to get the disappointment over with. i expected that from fathers, i suppose. asking for love and getting something else. wanting truth, but getting lies. looking for something to hope for, but always getting my dreams crushed. why even ask anymore?

i know God doesn’t work like that, but i found myself crying out for bread the other night. literally. i prayed for that bread…whatever that is. i want that different perspective…i want to always see the good. even when it hurts. even when it’s not the outcome i wanted.

oh to have that ability.

sara