looking back, i never expected that things would change for me. i felt trapped, and honestly believed i would go to the grave with the secrets i carried. oh, how i wanted things to change, but it was hard to imagine considering that the life i lived, the environment i grew up in, was all i knew. all i could believe in. all that i felt i deserved.

things did change, though. it took me all by surprise. and these last few years have been a roller coaster of growth, struggles and new experiences. it’s almost hard to believe i had the life i did…sometimes. but things DID change. it’s the life i couldn’t imagine, that’s the life i’m living now.

but being a girl who tends to go from one extreme to another, i’m all about resisting changes now. something i wanted so desperately in one chapter of my life, i’m cringing in the face of in the next. as He has set my feet on solid ground, as He’s steadied my steps, as i’ve gotten used to everything and everyone the way it is and have some sense of normalcy, He’s decided to shake things up a bit. changes in relationships, circumstances, emotions, opportunities…and my immediate response is to want and run and shelter myself. i can’t, and i won’t, but sometimes i want to, and i kick myself for it.  for the most part, it’s all good, it’s exciting, but i continue resisting. i fight the urge to be withdrawn. i have a hard time staying motivated. i look for distractions.

it’s so childish, i know. and we all do it. we all resist. i wonder how i manage to be a contradiction on so many levels. having witnessed the value of change and what God has been able to do, why am i struggling with all this? it’s life, and changes happen, but it feels like i only started living it just a few years ago. i need to hold it closer, i need to enjoy it more. it’s all going by so fast, and oh so unpredictably.

but, in the midst of it all, i had a single thought. the single thought that has kind of set me at ease.

He is changeless.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” hebrews 13:8, nasb

He has always been, He is, and He always will be. and He has always been Who He is. every aspect of Him is perfect and complete and unaffected by time and circumstance.  i have no idea how to touch that.  we’re always changing, everything is changing…but He doesn’t. i anchor myself in this truth as He is constantly working change within me. there’s something strangely profound about this arrangement, and i don’t quite grasp it yet.


a christmas-y-ish blog post

have you ever stepped outside of yourself and just considered everything? and by that i mean, well…everything. i mean this story God has written. this tapestry we are all a part of. existence as it is seen from the widest scope you can fathom.

God. God who always was, always is and always will be. beyond our understanding, unseen and all-knowing. He created this world. the universe. He gave life to billions upon billions of souls who have walked here. some known, most unknown. you. me.

Jesus. God in the flesh. He came down to live among us. He started out as a tiny, mewling baby. for 33 years He walked this earth as skin and bones…so far removed from the majesty of His Heavenly throne.

and all out of love. He could have done anything, but He didn’t. He chose to come down to our level.  breathing air. eating food. restrained by time. feeling the elements…and pain.

God did that.

it’s so hard to wrap my head around it all…

i love it. the angels of Heaven appeared to the shepherds to proclaim that the very Son of God had entered our world…the lowliest of society were some of the first to know. born in a manger, to a jewish girl. what went through her mind? no one can know what it was like to be the mother of God in the flesh.

for whatever the reason, tradition has diluted the truth. how does something like that happen? the truth is enough. why must we add to it? it’s enough to take in by itself.

God. God became man.


merry christmas.

when it’s ok to hide

our lives in Christ began with a death. a death to ourselves, to our sin natures. what follows is a new life in Christ. as with many spiritual things, it turns what is known to us as “natural” on its head. we begin our mortal lives with birth, and end in death; but life in Christ begins with death, and a new life follows.

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.” colossians 3:3, nasb

our lives are then to be hidden in His. there should be no trace of ourselves. everything about us should point to Him.

“When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory.” colossians 3:4, nasb.

there is nothing to fear in His life. there is nothing to lose. those earthly desires we once had are dead to us. there are so many possibilities to open yourself up to when you think on this and what it means. my heart and mind have been opened.  it has become so much less about me as i see God pouring out His love through people, and  it all comes at a time when i’m near ready to give up on everyone…so many hearts have gone cold. when i look beyond my own life, and see the darkness and evil so thick in the lives of others, i find myself ready to just go home. but then God reveals Himself through the kindness of another or from the sincerity of a heart or in the tears of one who has found hope for their lives. there is still so much beauty here.

and then there’s me. i am my worst critic, and it is my own failures that weigh heaviest on the scales…they bear more weight than any disappointment i may have in the state of things around me. but He knows how to get my attention. and even though i haven’t been listening as strongly as i used to, He has – once again – found a way to break through. i can’t understand why, but He has gone to great lengths to remind me of Who He is. i would’ve given up on me a long time ago.


Lord, i’m listening.