a step out of the ordinary

i want to write something. i want to create something beautiful and strange and timeless.

but i see myself falling back. becoming who i used to be, careless and scared, unmotivated and unreliable. becoming someone who you can just pass by and take no notice of. and slowly, slowly losing that ability to imagine.

but i want to be seen.  i want to be heard. why have i allowed myself to fall back into patterns that i had vowed to never return to? where did that craving go? when did i become so afraid to imagine? even at the worst of times, at life’s lowest points, i had that ability to retreat into my mind – to create things. to sit there and daydream and lose track of time. and now, when i am free and have so much opportunity to make things happen, i can’t. i have no time. i’m too practical.

when did i stop believing amazing things could happen to me? so much HAS happened. they DO happen. every day. sometimes i notice, sometimes i don’t. and when i don’t, it’s because i’m blinded. blinded by doubt.


where will i go? who will i be? what will i leave behind? i don’t question, i just…wonder. in Eternity, it probably won’t even cross our minds…but this. this life is everything to us now.  and oh, the nights. the nights when things are so easy to believe. when reality could be anything as others sleep. when the light of day and reality can’t tell you your dreams aren’t real. when darkness covers the world around us and our imaginations can write anything on it – like a canvas.

so here i am. in this little room. wanting so much more, but realizing Eternity. where is the balance? what are the limits? what do i ask for, hope for? where do i draw the line and just accept things as they are?  or…when do i just let myself GO? in the light of Eternity, what do my hopes, dreams and desires look like?

tomorrow i will wake up. tomorrow life will continue on. i’ll do what i’m supposed to do. no one will do the things i’ve imagined them to do. nothing world-changing, romantic or amazing will happen…just in my head. it’ll be another day…

it was a step out of the ordinary that changed it all for me. some have called it faith, or bravery, or just doing the right thing. years have passed since then. nearly five years. what step out will change the next five?



choosing to hope

there was a season in my life not too long ago where it was so easy for me to dream and believe in possibilities. i thought i was going to change the world. i thought i knew what i was going to do and how i was going to do it and who i was going to do it all with.

a lot has changed since then.

i’ve hardened myself. mostly because i don’t like the feeling of disappointment. i deny myself things too quickly and easily. it is what it is, so be content. my imagination has essentially become my enemy. for so many years, it was how i coped…my mind was how i escaped from the reality i was living. i’m safe here inside my mind – no one can get in. i can obsess and linger and no one will ever know. but as i’ve gone through recovery, i realized that it couldn’t be my crutch anymore, and so when i’ve caught myself using it, i’ve quickly snuffed it out. so i’ve become afraid of it. and when i find myself struggling with it, i immediately fall back into that all-too-wrong line of thinking that i’m screwed up. who am i, anyway? stopping being ungrateful and focus on what is in front of you. there’s no need to look any farther…there are no guarantees.

i can trace all of those lie back to the past. and – as i’ve recently discovered – when you believe a lie, you’re in bondage. i’m glad i see that now, but now i’m accountable – once again – for what i do with it. so where do i begin?

well, it seems it has something to do with hope. hope is a choice. and it’s essential to faith.

“Now faith is the assurance of thingshoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the men of old gained approval.  By faith we understand that theworlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things which are visible.” hebrews 11:1-3, nasb

choosing to hope goes against everything i’ve ever done. it goes against every “logical” response i’ve had to things. it’s good. it’s requires trust. it’s draws me closer to Him.

”…in the presence of Him whom he [Abraham] believed, even God, who gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist. In hope against hope he believed, so that he might become a father of many nations according to that which had been spoken, ‘So shall your descendants be.’” romans 4:16-18, nasb

but i don’t deserve any of it. i don’t want to hurt again. i’m protected here.i should be happy enough with what i have, because it’s by far better than where i’ve been.

all lies, but at the same time, so much easier to hang on to.

i have a long way to go. His word and love are the realest things to me despite everything, and yet i struggle with the idea of hope. seems like i don’t make much sense, but then again, when have i ever?