the unspoken prayer

no, i’m not talking about the requests people put in when they want to be discreet or private.

i’m talking about the kind that are spoken with silent screams, streaming tears and unconscious beats of an aching heart. lately i’ve thought myself to be rebellious by not getting on my hands and knees and addressing issues and naming names, but really…the prayers have never stopped. as i think about it, it doesn’t have to begin with a salutation of “Dear God/Father/Lord/etc.” or close with a “In Jesus’ Name,” like a formal letter. it’s every thought i think, every action i consider, every emotion that commandeers me…all of it is filtered, all of it is communicated and heard. whether i like it or not. i can’t hide anything, i can’t not think about it. there’s no running, hiding or ignoring…no matter how much i try.

prayer has been my everything through everything. it has drawn me closer to Him, it has softened my heart towards others, it has shaped me as a person. while it does little to change anything around me, it does shift my perspective. still, that’s hella frustrating as a human being, sometimes. lately, whenever i have the presence of mind to purposefully direct something upwards, it’s generally a throwing up of my hands in the air and a heart-felt “whatever.” this after a season of those heartfelt prayers on my hands and knees, begging and pleading and saying the same things over and over in any way i can so maybe i’ll finally say it the right way and believe it the right way so that maybe there will be a difference. with every fiber of my heart, body and being i did this. every damn day. now, i just shrug my shoulders and sigh. it is what it is. que sera, sera. and move along. there’s nothing for me to do.

i have no regrets. none at all. i would do it all over again, the same exact way from beginning to end. i’m assuming this is the natural course of things as as a protective shell of indifference coats my being and a surge of motivation pushes me forward. the biggest battle i have right now is my own thoughts. my mind maze, as i like to refer to it. are any of you a fan of the BBC sherlock series? if so, you know how he refers to his mind as a mind palace? well, mine is a maze. mentally talking myself out of dark corners that i get trapped in, keeping myself from going down unnecessary trails, finding that motivation to keep going when i hit a wall — the same wall — over and over again. it sounds silly, but lately that visual has pulled me out of some very dark corners. it’s sometimes easy to forget what that truth is when you’re lost like that…but you leave yourself some bread crumbs to remind you what the realities are, and to guide you back on track. it doesn’t even matter if i believe it at the time.

i prefer the rawness, now. there’s more boldness in it. maybe that’s what i needed.




don’t go, indifference

these days, each morning introduces me to a whole new set of emotions. i never know what to expect. sometimes i welcome the change; other times, i would just much rather stay in bed. what determines the way our heart works at night as we sleep? i wish i knew. i don’t care for these kind of surprises, especially first thing in the morning.

lately, though, it’s been the coolness of indifference…and i am embracing it in all areas of my life. i don’t know if it’s right or wrong to rejoice in it, but i’ve waited so long to get to this point. i’ve felt so much…too much, really. and so now, to be able to breathe and not care, to not look back, to not cry and ache and wonder…i welcome it, i want it to stay.

still, there is that little gnaw.  that little bit of scraping that doesn’t want me to forget. it wants to hold on while i try so desperately to cast it all away for good, so i can run and never look back. it’s that one single string attached to my heart, the one i want to rip out and leave behind. i’m tugging at it, especially now, as indifference allows me. i’m entreating to myself, please let go. there’s no reason to hang on. with each passing day it should matter less and less. just. let. go.

(oh, how i long for that moment of release. that one last twinge of hurt that will free me from everything.)

it’s not that i want the passage of time or the fleeting of emotions to devalue the experiences that have helped to mold me. but these painful ones… these are the ones that manage to break through every barrier, lay waste to your defenses, and wound your very soul. i don’t know whether to to set up a shrine around it, or just replace the brokenness with walls that are even stronger.