what would i write about if i knew nobody i knew would read it?

honestly, i’ve found myself holding back lately out of fear of what others might think, or the questions i might get asked afterward.

so, here it goes…

  • i wish i was completely over my insecurities, but i’m not. i like to play like i couldn’t care less about what others think, but i’m still a little girl who’s had to grown up really fast these last few years. who sees her life steadily speeding up when she’s only begun to live it. i had to start out from scratch, and figure things out. it’s not fair. i had no control of the first part of my life and all that happened, and not to say that i have any at present, but still…
  • let’s be a girl for a second and talk about the opposite sex. i have no idea what i’m doing. i am so self-conscious. i am over-analytical and, yes – i drive myself crazy wondering what they think. maybe it’s because i didn’t experience it in high school – having crushes and dealing with disappointment early on – that it impacts me so much now. like i said, i’ve only begun to live a somewhat normal life in the past few years.  i am a hopeless romantic, but i feel like i’ve buried it. it was so easy to believe in romance a few years ago when the world was new, but i’ve hardened myself. i’ve built an ideal and hidden myself behind it…and it’s been easy to do for a while because i didn’t come across anyone who tempted me enough to challenge it. but it’s been happening…and i have no idea how to respond. i like it, but then i don’t. and i have no idea what to do.  i don’t want to care about how i look, i don’t want to over-think things, i don’t want to fall prey to my imagination…i want to keep to myself because it’s safe, and won’t hurt so much.  i will probably take a lot of effort, and that’s more than i ever expect another to give me. oh, but i have so much i want to give. and yes, so much that i want. i had the thought that if i were to marry someone, he would be the one constant in my life. friends will come and go. kids will grow up and leave. but he is stuck with me…and i with him.  the rest of our lives could be a very long time. yes, there will be happy times, but there will be ugly, too. getting old. and fighting. and getting sick of each other. and there is no walking away from it. is there someone out there willing to do that with me? heck, can i see myself doing that with anyone? it’s a frightening thought…but if it does happen, well, He’ll have showed me.
  • i am so tired of scrambling to hold things together that are going to change. it’s going to happen. i get so angry at myself for being upset about it, and for taking it out on those closest to me. i’m jealous, too. jealous for what i don’t have. i hate admitting it, and i don’t want to hear all the carbon, super-spiritual responses. i’m sick of them…especially coming from those who have what i want.
  • the church angers me SO much. not the Body of Christ, but the institution. that place you go to every sunday. where is the unity? why do churches have “policies?” why do we cheer when the church stands up for its “rights” to keep the sinners out? why do i see so many empires being built, but nothing around it being changed at all? does anyone think for themselves anymore? why does unity seem like a frightening and almost impossible concept to so many? it’s gone so far from that picture in Acts. people have retreated into a “Christian” bubble…begging others to come in, rather than going out there and being the light we’re supposed to be. i mean, consider Christ. He’s our example, after all, and here was the people’s conception of Him:

“The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” (luke 7:34, niv)

there was no pleasing people, even then. or ever. that was their perception, but He went right on tending to those who needed Him…not those who were clinging to traditions and living a life of sitting, soaking and souring. Christ touched the untouchable. He broke bread with those the religious ones would of picketed against. keep reading that chapter of luke. He spoke truth, not propaganda. He didn’t jump on the bandwagons.  He was obedient to His Father’s will, and He – ladies and gentleman – is our example.

i have failed in so many ways, and i haven’t got it all figured out. i imagine i’ll tick a lot of people off, and i can’t even fluently explain why i think the way i do on a lot of things, but all i know is i want to be like HIM. i want to love and live like He did…and maybe someday i’ll get it right.

regardless of what we’ve managed to screw up, He always rises out of the dysfunction. i am so thankful for His people…for those i’ve met within the “church,” and those i know outside of  it.

  • you know i’m recording my lyrics now. i’m fulfilling a dream i didn’t even dare to have…and i have no idea what to look forward to. life has become so busy that i hardly have time to sit and think about it. up until now, no one ever told me i could sing. but i am. i’m being told i can. a part of me sometimes wonders if i’m being lied to. it’s so strange hearing myself do something i was told i couldn’t do. and i have no idea what i’m going to do with it once it’s all said and done…i can’t even allow myself to imagine it. i’m afraid i’ll just shelf it and move on. i’m afraid it’ll grow into something i least expect. what am i doing?

there. that felt better now, didn’t it? think i’ve given everyone enough to chew on.

well, that’s the extent of my vulnerability for now. sometimes i wonder why i expect myself to be so overly-transparent all the time. one day, maybe, i’ll draw the line somewhere.



my first mission trip (a confession)

it was one of the worst experiences i’ve ever had.

it’s one of those things i’ve looked back on and wondered why on earth it even happened.

i really can’t say what motivated me to do it… i had people encouraging me and supporting me, telling me it was something i should do (being a christian and all). so i did it. and everything seemed to go wrong for me…naturally. i came in last minute. getting my passport was a freakin’ nightmare. every step of the way i debated whether it was even a good idea. but everyone kept saying, “if it’s meant to be, it’ll work out! have faith!”

so, somehow i ended up on that plane, headed out of the country with a group of people i didn’t know. i was terrified. i felt like didn’t belong there. i was easily overlooked, which didn’t matter, because i really didn’t care to bring attention to myself.  the whole time there i kept asking myself, why am i here?  i was eager to serve, eager to help, eager to find some purpose…but instead, i was fearful, timid and waaay out of my comfort zone. i silently excused myself from dinner one night to go cry in the bathroom. everyone else seemed normal. they knew what they were doing there. they were personable and charismatic. but not me. i didn’t know how, and didn’t really care to be. here i was, lonely and depressed…and i kicked myself for it. how dare i be so selfish amidst all this? my focus needed to be on others, not myself. i was seeing people hopeful in the midst of their circumstances… but that didn’t lessen my pain any. i was still hurting, still healing.

i arrived home, parting ways with a group of people i still really didn’t know. and i was glad it was over.

back then,  i was an absolute emotional mess. if i wasn’t busy building or cleaning or sleeping or working, i was left to my own thoughts. the trip couldn’t mask all my issues…maybe i thought i could leave them all behind and magically become this new person because of the experience. but i didn’t. the only things it succeeded in doing was heighten my insecurities, and show me that i still had a long way to go…and i didn’t really like that.

not much has changed.

i’d like to think i’ve matured a bit, but i still drive myself crazy. i’ve got journals full of my thoughts and emotions, and i’ve reached a point where i’ve got nothing left. i’m just saying the same things over and over. i’ve gotten tired of sitting on my own and rehashing feelings, so i try and keep busy. i feel guilty if i’m just lounging around. no matter what i’m doing, i feel like i could be doing something more.

i know what He says. i know what i’ve learned.i know i can’t hide for long. i know it will all catch up with me. i have this ball of anticipation inside of me that i’m trying to squelch…

i’m tired. all i know is that i’m tired.