my letter to the younger me

hello, sweet girl.

you’re going to be ok. there is an end to this hell. there is hope. yes, that’s right: you can believe things will change. you can believe things will get better…because they will. oh, how they will.

i know it’s hard. hope is such a foreign concept to you. you don’t know what it means to feel safe or to know that you are genuinely loved.  that guilt weighing you down right now isn’t yours to carry. that hatred you have – that hatred that is eating you alive – is holding you back from the change you so desperately desire. but you can’t see that. how can you? change will come, dear one…it will come.

you are going to make a difference. you are going to pursue and accomplish things people told you would never could. you will learn how to trust again. not to say that you won’t feel hurt. you will get disappointed. you will feel so hopeless that you will want to die, even when there is so much to live for. but just know there is hope. there is always hope. in your mistakes, in your disappointments, in every breath…there is hope.

i know you feel dirty. but you are pure. it’s not your fault. i see your despair. i see your attempts to end it, but there is always something holding you back…that’s me. i’m here because something deep down inside you wasn’t going to let you give up. you couldn’t understand it then, but i’m telling you now that there is a reason for all this.

there is still a lot that even i don’t know, a lot that i wish i could tell you. you will be told COUNTLESS times that God knows the desires of your heart. and He does. He knows what is best for you. you’re going to let go of the idea of that hero that is going to come and whisk you away and make you feel better…because it’s not going to happen. i know it’s helping you survive right now, but you will learn how to stand on your own two feet. you are going to spend a lot of time figuring out who you are. you’re going to have to be brave on your own. you’re going to have to fight. i know you want to be carried, but you are going to have to open your mind to the prospect of having to do some carrying yourself. there’s a lot of emotions you are going to have to learn how to be comfortable feeling.

but it’s going to be ok. things are going to change. you are stronger than you know, sara. while all you are experiencing right now has you feeling trapped, know that there will be a day where you will look back and question whether or not it was even real. but you will always know because of the scars i still feel. because of the nightmares i still have. and when you just want to be held.

but it is all for something. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. one day, you will find yourself standing on top of a mountain and realize that i exist.

yes, i exist now.

and you are a part of me. a beautiful part of me. you are the part that makes everything i think, see and feel now so much more valuable, so much more precious. you are precious. you are worth knowing. you are going to make a difference with your life you won’t be able to fully know or measure. you will learn how to love. and, yes, we are still holding out hope that you will fall in love…and you will know what it feels like to have someone fall in love with you. it will be beautiful, dear one. because you are special, you have so much to give. you are worth being invested in.

until then, though, He will be your everything. you will come to know Him in that way you thought was impossible for you. you will learn how to value the ordinary. you will see the profound in the simple. you will find beauty when there is none. you will change for the better; in every moment of every day, He will show you how to live. to live the way you’ve always wanted…and so much more. i know you’re scared. i know you’re lonely. i know you don’t believe me. but i’m that little voice inside you in that moment you want to give up. it is going to change.

from the future you

p.s. you will forgive them.

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2012

my little blog is just a drop in the ocean, and i can only wonder why anyone (outside of the people i know) would read it. even still, whatever the reasons, here’s the top 5 posts of 2012:

TOP 5:

5. fall into the sky

the lesson i learned from the sky. a personal favorite.

4. what i’ve lost along the way

my inner conflict with reality and so-called dreams.

3. why i hated going home

(or, “why i walked out of the hunger games”) this post was difficult for me to write; in which i share about the violence/physical abuse of my childhood.

2. how i was disillusioned by “christian” books

how being a purpose-driven, jabez-praying, will-seeking christian did me more harm than good.

1. if this season were a song

bebo kindly retweeted this post, which is probably why it took the top spot. even still, well-written lyrics move me in a way that few other things can. what’s your song right now?

UNDERDOG:

the music’s gone

this post received the least amount of views. have you ever had a passion, something you KNEW was a calling…but closed doors and the passing of time made you indifferent and even numb to it?

MY FAV:

things kids have taught me

in which i try and list everything i’ve learned from kids. the operative word being “try.”

2012 HIGHLIGHTS:

  • i started the blog

on march 17 i introduced myself, and explained the idea behind love twisted and love defined. admittedly, i also have a bit of a word addiction.

  • i talked about the abuse

to be able to understand me, you have to know where i come from. i’m all dysfunction. : )

  • i churchhopped

  “there are differences – no doubt about that, but the core is Christ and His word and people in a relationship with Him that is always growing and reflecting Who He is. His body isn’t defined or restricted by a denomination or a building. it’s His people, living day to day in obedience to Him. pursuing Him, loving Him, and loving people with the love He has poured into us.” -from what churchhopping has taught me

i am always willing to keep my heart open. we are the body of Christ, after all.

  • i got annoyed

more so with christians than anyone. the cliches. the bandwagons. the prudishness.

SO…WHAT’S NEXT?

i really don’t want to commit to anything. no resolutions. i write about whatever i want to write about for someone to either read or not read. but i do want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this blog o’ mine (mostly my friends and relatives). keep it up so i can pretend like i have a huge following.

sara

those beautiful things…

it just aches me to the core.

to experience the many forms of beauty that this world has to offer….sights, sounds, people, words. it’s everywhere, it truly is… when  i come across it, i crave, i desire, i want to create more of the same. i want to try and explain it. to paint a picture. to capture it in my mind and never forget it.

it’s been a while since i’ve been inspired like this. and it’s nice to know it’s still within me. but the spark is flickering against elements that would see it die away. against circumstances beyond control. against convictions that take precedence over so-called dreams. against the sheer exhaustion of hanging on to it. and yet, something within me is just dying to break out and bloom…

but i still can’t help but be taken in by the beauty of words. to let my heart be lifted by a song. to breathe in the changing air. to love making someone laugh. and everything within me wants to let go and dream a dream, to remember how to hope in something. to quit being so practical and “content.”

something just needs to break.

sara

what inspires you?

what stops you?