my little blog is just a drop in the ocean, and i can only wonder why anyone (outside of the people i know) would read it. even still, whatever the reasons, here’s the top 5 posts of 2012:

TOP 5:

5. fall into the sky

the lesson i learned from the sky. a personal favorite.

4. what i’ve lost along the way

my inner conflict with reality and so-called dreams.

3. why i hated going home

(or, “why i walked out of the hunger games”) this post was difficult for me to write; in which i share about the violence/physical abuse of my childhood.

2. how i was disillusioned by “christian” books

how being a purpose-driven, jabez-praying, will-seeking christian did me more harm than good.

1. if this season were a song

bebo kindly retweeted this post, which is probably why it took the top spot. even still, well-written lyrics move me in a way that few other things can. what’s your song right now?


the music’s gone

this post received the least amount of views. have you ever had a passion, something you KNEW was a calling…but closed doors and the passing of time made you indifferent and even numb to it?


things kids have taught me

in which i try and list everything i’ve learned from kids. the operative word being “try.”


  • i started the blog

on march 17 i introduced myself, and explained the idea behind love twisted and love defined. admittedly, i also have a bit of a word addiction.

  • i talked about the abuse

to be able to understand me, you have to know where i come from. i’m all dysfunction. : )

  • i churchhopped

  “there are differences – no doubt about that, but the core is Christ and His word and people in a relationship with Him that is always growing and reflecting Who He is. His body isn’t defined or restricted by a denomination or a building. it’s His people, living day to day in obedience to Him. pursuing Him, loving Him, and loving people with the love He has poured into us.” -from what churchhopping has taught me

i am always willing to keep my heart open. we are the body of Christ, after all.

  • i got annoyed

more so with christians than anyone. the cliches. the bandwagons. the prudishness.


i really don’t want to commit to anything. no resolutions. i write about whatever i want to write about for someone to either read or not read. but i do want to thank anyone and everyone who reads this blog o’ mine (mostly my friends and relatives). keep it up so i can pretend like i have a huge following.


trying to figure it out

i love the uniqueness of all our journeys. i look at my own, and almost can’t believe all that’s changed these past few years. i’m one of “those people” who journals almost everyday (used to be every day and multiple entries, but now i’m less intense). i’ve never been so committed to something for so long and kept it up so faithfully.

i look back on entries every now and then. i am thankful for such an opportunity. i can go back to those little altars of notebook paper and see what i’ve been through. i have the opportunity to laugh at myself, mostly: cringing at all those ridiculous ideals i had, shaking my head at my emotional/super-spiritual monologues…still, it’s thanks to having them that i can witness the growth. i can look back on things i had forgotten and thank Him all over again for who He is and what He has done.

but i have such a long way to go. i keep getting bogged down by all these different ideas and ways of living and looking at the “Christian” life. i appreciate how it gets me re-looking at some things, but i have such a fear of being drawn into something that’s a lie. i grew up being told lies and falling into chains of thinking because it was easier than doing it for myself. i’m overly cautious now. probably too cautious, and maybe even a bit pious. there’s some messages i’m just tired of hearing. there’s some christian music i’m sick of listening to. there’s christian books that create a parade of bandwagons. denominations that are all about doing this and that, but their love has grown cold. sometimes i wish i could drive it all away and live on the simplicity of how He intended it. there’s too much noise, too many “movements.”

i try and be as simple as i can, but sometimes i have to catch myself from falling into something.  i’ve learned a lot of hard lessons, and its thanks to them that i’ve gotten a little better with how to discern things and not be so fleeting. but i know that what i know now isn’t a whole heck of a lot, and i’m always wondering if what i claim to  “know” is even right. my journal entries aren’t even what they used to be. i don’t seem to have a lot to say anymore.

every now and again you get hit with a little something that makes you question everything. something that brings you back to earth.

i suppose i should quit trying to figure everything out and just do.


what do you “know”?

the little things

living one day at a time, one moment at a time.

what a powerful truth.

every moment is a gift. an opportunity to glorify God in some way. an opportunity for Him to romance us in some way…and always by surprise.

i get busy. i get distracted. i get impatient, depressed, frustrated. I sometimes focus too much on the past, or am blinded by my vision of the future. i worry about what people think. i’m afraid of screwing up.

kids were good at reminding me about the little things. everything is so new to them. things i once overlooked, things i had tuned out, they brought back to my attention. from the growing process of a plant to the story of Christ’s death and resurrection. they always had a way to humble me with questions like, “what is a soul?” or  “how come Jesus died on the cross?” or the doozy “what is ‘God is love’?”

i know my time with them prepared for where i am now. even though i started a new job,  i still visit them.  i need the reminders. i listen as they go on and on about crazy things: like the lizard they almost caught or the sticker they got for being good or how so-and-so hit them with a toy shovel. i remember how easily they believed me when i told them that every streak of jet cloud in the sky was iron man and how a snake talked in a garden called Eden so long ago…

there’s a lot they don’t understand, but they have no problem believing. there’s so much they haven’t experienced, but that doesn’t stop them from living. they go on and play and cry and sing and fuss and grow, their minds enamored in their own little world. it was in moments i would catch their worlds expanding – when their eyes wide with wonder at some new truth…i loved to see them grow.

i had to adjust my way of thinking thanks to them. simplify it. pay attention to the details. be a source of love. i noticed the clouds in the sky, the sounds in the air, the way certain colors change when mixed with another. i had to be flexible and adapt to change. i had to remember that every moment was an opportunity to teach them, and to learn something myself.

things are different now. i have to open my office window so i can hear them scream and cry and laugh and play while i do my “grown-up” stuff. i love them so much.

we’re supposed to be child-like. it’s a command of God. and as i look back, i’ve realized that they were some of the best spiritual teachers i’ve ever had.


if a preschooler asked you those questions, how would you answer them?