can i make a trade?

“sometimes a hope has to be put to death in order for God to raise it back to life.”

i have been hopeless before. there were hellish times in the darkest days of abuse when i believed nothing would ever change. i don’t know what kept me on some days — my imagination, i guess. pretending to be in another life, another world. i was kept alive and survived by fantasies and belief systems that i would have to do away with later to move through the healing process.

having gone through and survived a life like that (which almost seems unreal to me now) is probably what keeps the flame burning in me despite the people and circumstances which are trying their damndest to snuff it out. the impossible is possible with You Know Who, but when letters, prayers, tears and counsel have done nothing and will do nothing to change the circumstances, i am now left having to just move the hell on with my life. to figure out how to embrace heartbreak. i just can’t understand it. i know it’s possible because of everything that has happened to me — and it’s not  like i’ve always been willing or eager to change.

i know i don’t have all the answers. i know i’m not perfect. i know i’m foolish and naïve and have cared too much for someone who doesn’t give a fuck…but, God, why? why have i had to come back here, feeling so hopeless and helpless when i know it doesn’t have to be that way? but it is. *sigh* it is. and there’s nothing i can do about it.

of course, we all want the miracle outcome. maybe i’ve already met my lifetime quota. i would give it back, though, if it meant my prayers would be answered right now. too bad life doesn’t work that way.

sara

the struggle is real

bear one another’s burdens.

but how much, and for how long?

when do you stop thinking about them to think about yourself?

when does it become “unhealthy?”

when does love need to become “tough?”or is that even supposed to be a thing among us?

we’re just given the general guidelines. love one another. love yourself. turn your cheek. forgive your enemies. go the extra, thankless mile. be kind, patient, humble and gracious. be like Him. be living, breathing sacrifices every day. but then here we are, in a world full of wounded, broken people. and here i am…trying to find the balance between opinions, emotions, circumstances and Truth.

i’ve spent the last few years pushing myself through recovery, trying to make sense of life and love after having been subjected to so much perverseness and cruelty. here i am, having had to learn how to take care of and love myself, having had to erect boundaries and make sure i’m not letting other’s define my happiness and who i am.  lately, though, it’s harder to draw that line. harder to see those boundaries. this past year, i’ve seen people i care about hurt and struggle beyond my capacity or understanding to help them. i have felt so helpless. i’ve been deeply depressed. i’m continuously frustrated. i’ve thought myself foolish and a naive. sometimes i’ve known how to respond, but that hasn’t always made it any easier to act. other times, i haven’t known the answer and just tried acting on what i knew, and later wondered if i just made everything worse (those damn “good intentions”). but in every case, i have sincerely tried to live up to His command to love, to be understanding, to hope against hope and believe He will make a difference…

the thing is, i’m left here at the end of it all, wondering if my understanding of everything i’ve felt He has taught me these last few years has been right. because now, given the chance to apply it, and looking back…i don’t know. i carry this heaviness in my chest now….how ironic is that? right over the heart.

i have to learn the hard way. that much i know about myself. and love is hard. and that’s ok. but the struggle…it’s real, folks. it’s very real.

sara