reassessment

i feel like i’ve become estranged to things that i once thought that i loved, things that i was certain of, things i felt so strongly about, so passionate about, so certain about.

i feel like i’ve lost something.

i’ve had to learn how to be content. i’ve had to learn how to roll with the punches. i’ve had to understand that “the show must go on.” i’ve had to pick myself up when i wanted to stay down.  i’ve had to accept that some things/people will never change. that things won’t work out to the way i want them. and on and on and on.

i’ve been asked several times lately what my dreams are, my hopes, my plans…like where do i want to be, what do i want to do, who do i want to be with. i can’t answer those questions anymore. when once i thought i knew, now all i can do is shrug my shoulders.

music, writing, relationships: these were the things i thought i had all planned out. dreams i had allowed myself to dream. but somehow i’ve let them go, or have had to watch them go…for the sake of contentment, it seems. i’ve had to be thankful for what i have…because when i went for the things that exceeded my reach, i got nothing but air. now i feel like it’s a sin for me to get disappointed. and i feel totally selfish about it all…how dare i want more when i have so much to be thankful for already.

i turned 27 yesterday. i’ve realized that i have all i need, but i’ve forgotten how to want. now i’m just afraid to.

am i truly content, or have i just given up?

sara

it was three years ago today…

…i woke up with no desire to live anymore.

wild, huh?

it hit me only just yesterday. i’ve been carrying around an odd, heavy feeling in my heart these past few days, and i had no idea why until last night. i had burst into tears, my core aching as i strained for the words to pray. my tears did most of the talking, as is typical. i prayed for someone who has claimed a place in my heart these past three years. he has no idea, and i myself can’t understand why, but i called out his name to my Abba nonetheless. it all ties together in some way, i’m sure…

and it was as i started to write in my journal that i glanced back at the date and realized…

that it was three years ago, today. today.

some coincidence, huh? (no, i don’t believe in those, really.)

i was laying flat on my back on that saturday morning, staring at the clock, wondering what the point of getting up was. no one would care. no one would miss me. i would never escape the abuse, the control, the lies.  i hated what i had become. i had reached despair. i was without hope. i was done. everything within me started to implode.

but out of nowhere in my mind, i heard a voice singing a song, and it led me to His promise. and for the first time, i believed it. i truly believed it:

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. ‘I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.’” (jeremiah 29:11-14, nlt)

oh, how those words resonated within me. how they ignited spark that has never died away. Lord, thank You, thank You, for Your precious, precious word. how it has changed everything…

and thank You for him. thank You for the one You spoke through – and have continued to use – to draw me nearer to You. as long as You place him upon my heart, i will lift him up to You. even though i don’t understand why. i will obey.

(my, how things have changed.)

sara

dear reader, thank you for returning to this altar with me.

now go to your altar and praise Him for the promises He has given you, for all the beautiful things He has done.

this is me…

 

hi.

i’ve been debating this whole blog thing for a while. there’s no telling how long this will sit here before i decide to make it public. i’m not sure what it’s a question of…time, commitment, purpose. who knows?

a snapshot of my story can be found on my about me page. i’ve shared it through various outlets of recovery programs and other writing formats.

my writing – whatever the form – tends to indulge my over-analytical mind and falls prey to my tendencies of being a bit of a perfectionist. i am my greatest critic. i need to simplify.

i suppose the heart of all this my relationship with God. i am in love with Him. and whenever i have a chance to reflect on all that has happened in my life, on all that has changed, i am drawn closer to Him. maybe this can be my altar…

as long as i’m alive, as long as i’m breathing, He finds ways to romance me. i’m really not sure where to begin…

sara