if this season were a song…

But I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now and forever

“but.”

in other words: despite everything, i’ll sing of Your glory.

…because at this rate, that’s all i have. and really, what else is there?

When all I thought was sacred was shattered in the fallout
And my feet of clay the weight can no longer carry

is nothing sacred? especially to those who claim to be a child of the King, to those who  place their desires – their foolishness – ahead of truth and righteousness and honor. think about what it’s doing to those closest to you. to Him.

Lord knows i’m not perfect. right now, i can barely stand. all i thought was sacred, all i had thought i had a firm grip on, now i find myself with no strength to fight for at all.

When love is not a feeling
And hope feels like a cop-out
The ground beneath my feet a sudden shift and I’m buried

i cling to His promises and the hope of them coming true, but my problem is that i can’t allow myself to hope beyond what is written in black and white. anything beyond that isn’t worth my hoping for, no matter how strong the desire, no matter how affirmed it has been in my life (yes, i know…that savors strongly of disappointed “hopes,” doesn’t it?).

His Word is truth, and nothing else is assured.

Hold tight the sacred ties that bind this weary soul

and that’s all i have to cling to. that is all that is holding me together. in the disappointment. in the hurt. in the recovery. in the reality. in the desires that i’ve boxed away. in that urge to run away. in the masking of emotions.

oh, i know this all sounds so pitiful, i know. i can hear their voices in my head: get up. this is not ok. dust yourself off. move on. don’t let it get to you. get over it. you’re letting them win. smile.

and so i will…tomorrow.

Hold tight the sacred ties that bind my weary soul
O God of light, of ancient skies, I sing it out, You’re alive

I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now
I’ll sing of your glory now and forever

because giving Him the glory is what holds me together.

sara

sing of your glory, by bebo norman

the music’s gone

i wonder why i can’t stand christian music anymore?

maybe i abused it too much. very little of it even inspires me.  some of it brings up things i’d much rather let go of. but really, it all just sounds the same. i feel like my local ccm station cycles the same 15 songs every hour. it’s all the same kind of song:  difficulty or doubt in a person’s life. it gets depressing. we all like to relate, but we have to be careful to not be driven so much by emotion. focus on Him and not ourselves.

my keyboard sits in the corner of my room covered in clothing. my binder, containing pages and pages of lyrics, is collecting dust under my bed. maybe i just grew up. maybe i just gave up. why did i have such a passion for it? what happened? it’s almost like i’m trying to hold onto it in a way by alluding to it’s impact on my life every now and then, but that seems to be the only connection i have with it now.  when once a path seemed so clear, it now feels totally abandoned.

i may resort to sharing my lyrics with you. they’re chapters of my life that i’ve moved on from, songs that i wouldn’t want repeated over and over again. but they are apart of my story, and maybe i should bring them to life in some way. maybe the desire will return, maybe it won’t…but at least i won’t feel like i’m keeping a secret. or that i’ve wasted my time.

so be forewarned. for the sake of content, i’ll be sharing glorified poetry with you in the very near future.

sara

it was three years ago today…

…i woke up with no desire to live anymore.

wild, huh?

it hit me only just yesterday. i’ve been carrying around an odd, heavy feeling in my heart these past few days, and i had no idea why until last night. i had burst into tears, my core aching as i strained for the words to pray. my tears did most of the talking, as is typical. i prayed for someone who has claimed a place in my heart these past three years. he has no idea, and i myself can’t understand why, but i called out his name to my Abba nonetheless. it all ties together in some way, i’m sure…

and it was as i started to write in my journal that i glanced back at the date and realized…

that it was three years ago, today. today.

some coincidence, huh? (no, i don’t believe in those, really.)

i was laying flat on my back on that saturday morning, staring at the clock, wondering what the point of getting up was. no one would care. no one would miss me. i would never escape the abuse, the control, the lies.  i hated what i had become. i had reached despair. i was without hope. i was done. everything within me started to implode.

but out of nowhere in my mind, i heard a voice singing a song, and it led me to His promise. and for the first time, i believed it. i truly believed it:

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord. ‘They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,’ says the Lord. ‘I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.’” (jeremiah 29:11-14, nlt)

oh, how those words resonated within me. how they ignited spark that has never died away. Lord, thank You, thank You, for Your precious, precious word. how it has changed everything…

and thank You for him. thank You for the one You spoke through – and have continued to use – to draw me nearer to You. as long as You place him upon my heart, i will lift him up to You. even though i don’t understand why. i will obey.

(my, how things have changed.)

sara

dear reader, thank you for returning to this altar with me.

now go to your altar and praise Him for the promises He has given you, for all the beautiful things He has done.