all fixed

i wanted to be “all fixed.”

i wanted to be able to present myself baggage-free and say, “hey! there’s nothing wrong with me!”

that’s why i’ve been doing all i’ve been doing these past few years…committing to recovery programs, seeing a counselor, attending support groups, crying my eyes out, kicking and screaming myself to sleep, wallowing in self-pity and despair. i was doing it so one day i wouldn’t have to do it anymore.  in my mind, once i achieved that, maybe then i would get what i desired…

i was wrong.

i recently completed an intense, 6 month long program geared towards women recovering from sexual abuse. i had resisted starting it at first, and because i was so “advanced” in the recovery process, it was fairly easy to go through. i was ready to cast another check mark on my “road to recovery” and let this be it.

wrong again!

nothing cut me so deeply as the last section of the last unit.  i couldn’t even talk in group that night. anytime i tried, i’d cry.  i cried hard for most of the day leading up to the meeting, and for some time into the night…all over the subject of intimacy. sexual intimacy. not from anything i experienced, but the unknown…when i may have the opportunity to share myself with someone one day. this was an area i couldn’t reach, i couldn’t “deal with” on my own. i have to wait. wait until i  meet that poor shmuck who will have to face those demons with me come consummation time.

it was all so unfair. i’ve worked so hard to get where i am so i wouldn’t have to burden that guy some day with my problems. and here it all came crashing down on me…i can’t finish it alone. heck, will it ever be finished? i’ve heard time and time again that recovery is a lifetime process, but i wanted to be the exception. (i know, right?…prideful, much?)

so i gave up.

i’ve entered into a stage of indifference. no man will ever love me like God does, so why hope? why desire? why care? He’s all i need right now…and forever. so i’m probably more content in my singleness than i’ve ever been. whether my attitude is right or wrong, i really don’t know…or care at this point.