looking back

somehow i’ve ended up in a state of reflection. (i love the subtlety of the Spirit. here i am trying to figure out how to hope again and look ahead, only to find myself with a desire to look back.)

i found myself going  back and forth when it came to leadership roles in recovery programs. it was rewarding and healing and i could see God working through me, but somehow my focus would shift, and i found myself exhausted and raw. i wondered if constantly rehashing things was doing me more harm than good, so i would stop and seek to get on with my life. but just when i thought i was doing good and leaving the past behind me, it would get convicted to share again. the last recovery program i went to drove the final stake through my heart, leaving me indifferent.

well, since then, i found myself on the upward path, doing exactly what i wanted to do…and that was move on.

but then He shook my world…again, and i set outto be the broken bread and poured out wine it seems i’m destined to be.

it’s different this time, though. or so it seems. maybe it’s perspective. maybe it’s the support i have. maybe i have grown just a little bit. maybe it’s the upward trend leading to the downward spiral. i don’t know. but lately, i’ve been reminded of how powerful looking back is, despite the pain. i was asked today what the good of it was and why can’t we just move on, and the question struck a cord in me. i have wanted to just “get over it” so many times, but somehow, i end up laying my broken life out for all to see.

i have to remember, i have to be reminded of where it is i’ve come from. who i was and who i am now.  there is no doubt…God is the God of restoration. His promises are real. and we, as humans, forget so easily. i do, anyway.
i was molested. i was beaten. i was manipulated and misguided. i was threatened and deprived. i lived a life of fear and was saturated in resentment. i knew hatred. i felt despair. i was an ugly person.  i wanted to die.

but God

“I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,  and he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.” psalm 40:1-4, nasb

i’ve been singing this new song for nearly four years now. my past can almost seem like another life, sometimes, especially as i take in all the beauty i have around me right now

…but then i’ll feel the twinge.  i’ll find a deeper wounds that needs tending. and rub the internal scars that won’t vanish. they serve as reminders that it all was, in fact, real. it was me. but look, look what He has done. and be amazed. as i lay out all out again, as i anticipate a next step that could cut a little deeper, i will trust Him. but whatever may happen, i need to be reminded.

He is God.



one thing i can appreciate is the ability to look back at all the  jumbles of words i’ve put on a page…each entry or lyric is a snapshot of who i was. something i can measure against who i’ve become.  it is a wonder how much my life has changed…and how quickly it has done so.

but i don’t write so often anymore.

just here.

it’s happened as i’ve found myself feeling so disconnected from things. i’m not sure where this rift has come from, or why. things i once loved and were so passionate about have become little or no consequence to me. relationships that i once so cherished and desired have become distant. it bothers me that it doesn’t really bother me. i have no motivation to change the direction in which things are going. i keep myself busy so that i don’t have time to sit here and think about all this.

maybe i’m growing. maybe i’m resisting. maybe i’m just reading too much into things. i don’t know.


is it something i’ve lost? or just something i’m missing?