what would i write about if i knew nobody i knew would read it?

honestly, i’ve found myself holding back lately out of fear of what others might think, or the questions i might get asked afterward.

so, here it goes…

  • i wish i was completely over my insecurities, but i’m not. i like to play like i couldn’t care less about what others think, but i’m still a little girl who’s had to grown up really fast these last few years. who sees her life steadily speeding up when she’s only begun to live it. i had to start out from scratch, and figure things out. it’s not fair. i had no control of the first part of my life and all that happened, and not to say that i have any at present, but still…
  • let’s be a girl for a second and talk about the opposite sex. i have no idea what i’m doing. i am so self-conscious. i am over-analytical and, yes – i drive myself crazy wondering what they think. maybe it’s because i didn’t experience it in high school – having crushes and dealing with disappointment early on – that it impacts me so much now. like i said, i’ve only begun to live a somewhat normal life in the past few years.  i am a hopeless romantic, but i feel like i’ve buried it. it was so easy to believe in romance a few years ago when the world was new, but i’ve hardened myself. i’ve built an ideal and hidden myself behind it…and it’s been easy to do for a while because i didn’t come across anyone who tempted me enough to challenge it. but it’s been happening…and i have no idea how to respond. i like it, but then i don’t. and i have no idea what to do.  i don’t want to care about how i look, i don’t want to over-think things, i don’t want to fall prey to my imagination…i want to keep to myself because it’s safe, and won’t hurt so much.  i will probably take a lot of effort, and that’s more than i ever expect another to give me. oh, but i have so much i want to give. and yes, so much that i want. i had the thought that if i were to marry someone, he would be the one constant in my life. friends will come and go. kids will grow up and leave. but he is stuck with me…and i with him.  the rest of our lives could be a very long time. yes, there will be happy times, but there will be ugly, too. getting old. and fighting. and getting sick of each other. and there is no walking away from it. is there someone out there willing to do that with me? heck, can i see myself doing that with anyone? it’s a frightening thought…but if it does happen, well, He’ll have showed me.
  • i am so tired of scrambling to hold things together that are going to change. it’s going to happen. i get so angry at myself for being upset about it, and for taking it out on those closest to me. i’m jealous, too. jealous for what i don’t have. i hate admitting it, and i don’t want to hear all the carbon, super-spiritual responses. i’m sick of them…especially coming from those who have what i want.
  • the church angers me SO much. not the Body of Christ, but the institution. that place you go to every sunday. where is the unity? why do churches have “policies?” why do we cheer when the church stands up for its “rights” to keep the sinners out? why do i see so many empires being built, but nothing around it being changed at all? does anyone think for themselves anymore? why does unity seem like a frightening and almost impossible concept to so many? it’s gone so far from that picture in Acts. people have retreated into a “Christian” bubble…begging others to come in, rather than going out there and being the light we’re supposed to be. i mean, consider Christ. He’s our example, after all, and here was the people’s conception of Him:

“The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Here is a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners.” (luke 7:34, niv)

there was no pleasing people, even then. or ever. that was their perception, but He went right on tending to those who needed Him…not those who were clinging to traditions and living a life of sitting, soaking and souring. Christ touched the untouchable. He broke bread with those the religious ones would of picketed against. keep reading that chapter of luke. He spoke truth, not propaganda. He didn’t jump on the bandwagons.  He was obedient to His Father’s will, and He – ladies and gentleman – is our example.

i have failed in so many ways, and i haven’t got it all figured out. i imagine i’ll tick a lot of people off, and i can’t even fluently explain why i think the way i do on a lot of things, but all i know is i want to be like HIM. i want to love and live like He did…and maybe someday i’ll get it right.

regardless of what we’ve managed to screw up, He always rises out of the dysfunction. i am so thankful for His people…for those i’ve met within the “church,” and those i know outside of  it.

  • you know i’m recording my lyrics now. i’m fulfilling a dream i didn’t even dare to have…and i have no idea what to look forward to. life has become so busy that i hardly have time to sit and think about it. up until now, no one ever told me i could sing. but i am. i’m being told i can. a part of me sometimes wonders if i’m being lied to. it’s so strange hearing myself do something i was told i couldn’t do. and i have no idea what i’m going to do with it once it’s all said and done…i can’t even allow myself to imagine it. i’m afraid i’ll just shelf it and move on. i’m afraid it’ll grow into something i least expect. what am i doing?

there. that felt better now, didn’t it? think i’ve given everyone enough to chew on.

well, that’s the extent of my vulnerability for now. sometimes i wonder why i expect myself to be so overly-transparent all the time. one day, maybe, i’ll draw the line somewhere.



the arms that hold me

it’s moments like this when i wish i had arms to crawl into. arms that would hold me close as i cried the way i want to do right now (and will no doubt do before the night is over). safe, warm, tender, strong. an embrace i could finally release myself in.

i turned myself off to touch for a long time. when i was young, it hurt. bruised. instilled fear.

as i got older, it made me feel disgusted. a touch would make me twitch. writhe. want to scream.

i was kind of forced out of my comfort zone when i encountered those within the body of Christ. i questioned motives for a long time…still do, on occasion. i walked with my eyes cast down. my face hidden beneath my hair. but my bubble began to shrink as people suddenly showed me love…His love.

His love. the arms that hold me. His word. even as i crave a touch to assure me, to secure me, i know i have His promises. but it gets worse as i think about the distance between us.  i can’t feel Him now. i can’t see Him. He’s the love of my life, and i haven’t even heard the sound of His voice. it makes me so homesick. i yearn for His touch. in every embrace here on earth, there is a moment you have to let go…it makes me long for eternity so much more.


i wonder if He longs for that moment as much as i?…when i can finally rest in His arms.

all fixed

i wanted to be “all fixed.”

i wanted to be able to present myself baggage-free and say, “hey! there’s nothing wrong with me!”

that’s why i’ve been doing all i’ve been doing these past few years…committing to recovery programs, seeing a counselor, attending support groups, crying my eyes out, kicking and screaming myself to sleep, wallowing in self-pity and despair. i was doing it so one day i wouldn’t have to do it anymore.  in my mind, once i achieved that, maybe then i would get what i desired…

i was wrong.

i recently completed an intense, 6 month long program geared towards women recovering from sexual abuse. i had resisted starting it at first, and because i was so “advanced” in the recovery process, it was fairly easy to go through. i was ready to cast another check mark on my “road to recovery” and let this be it.

wrong again!

nothing cut me so deeply as the last section of the last unit.  i couldn’t even talk in group that night. anytime i tried, i’d cry.  i cried hard for most of the day leading up to the meeting, and for some time into the night…all over the subject of intimacy. sexual intimacy. not from anything i experienced, but the unknown…when i may have the opportunity to share myself with someone one day. this was an area i couldn’t reach, i couldn’t “deal with” on my own. i have to wait. wait until i  meet that poor shmuck who will have to face those demons with me come consummation time.

it was all so unfair. i’ve worked so hard to get where i am so i wouldn’t have to burden that guy some day with my problems. and here it all came crashing down on me…i can’t finish it alone. heck, will it ever be finished? i’ve heard time and time again that recovery is a lifetime process, but i wanted to be the exception. (i know, right?…prideful, much?)

so i gave up.

i’ve entered into a stage of indifference. no man will ever love me like God does, so why hope? why desire? why care? He’s all i need right now…and forever. so i’m probably more content in my singleness than i’ve ever been. whether my attitude is right or wrong, i really don’t know…or care at this point.